journal twentyeight

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the winter is near. i spoke with a chill on my breath. simply i awoke cold with frostbite already holding on to my lips skinny skinned body. the lacy caps on my shoulders were swiftly pressed tightly by my small frail bone for hands. i looked at the window noticed that i had a small note left on the side of it. a text written sweetly: where are you now when the sun rises above the trees i saw you under. come forth with me so we can go away together i want to see you near the swings we played on when younger. hold your breath till the ends of time with me so we could die together. lets be those stupid young kids we were with peanut butter collapsing on our teeth lips. i miss you. i smiled to know he wrote me things that speak sweetly only from him him only. outside my window i saw the trees grew crooked this year. pale colors shown as the deer came to find their missed upon flesh of trees. i sat upon the bed watching the dust curl by the window sill i saw the bits of snow drop down. the temperature its dropping my love.my dear sweet love. i put a mouthful of jacket around the wrists of my skinny arms tights of gold pixie dust around the legs that could disperse from nothing there at all small knit gloves on hands a small french hat sat on top of head in red color it shown. the wind it blows hard on the neck of mine the hair stood gently. i shiver deeply. underneath the tree i sit pouring water. i hear the voice of a boy who smiles gently with a wisp for hair. he hold my hands sweetly giving me a kiss upon my cheeks i watched him remove his sweater of grey hand it to me i shivered even though i told him he needed my jacket he refused he said he would be willing to bite with frost for me for i am his queen. i blushed so red rose he watches me hide my face in his body. we sat down on the cold wet ground to whisper secrets of love lustfilled nights of winds creak where the rivers flow towards the north instead of south. i asked him if he knew about trees he said why do you ask and i responded did you know they are people like us he looked at me petting my hair away from my face asked me explain love. i told him mama had said to me once when i was twelve i was a bad tree i was a crooked one. but like trees we can correct ourselves. a tree grew crooked all its life never changing for anything he led a life of misery death there was another tree next to him they were friends he did the same until one day he said i want to change i want tot be like the other beauties among me. he corrected himself soon he began to bear sweet apples of red apple blossoms fell from he tree each spring. he one day became more beautiful. his friend had become nothing but a stump. i told him humans we grow wrong but when we find someone r soemthing we change if we want to. we all have a chance to change. i looked back to see him smile at my thought. then im glad i found you. i said simply. i loved you either way. we ran to the small pathway behind his home. we ran far until neither one of us could then upon the chance we collapsed to watch the high tide of the oceans drops come collapse upon us.

journal twentyseven

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[rendrik]

i fell like i just fucked a pixie. this is fucking great i lost it with some whore at a bar. what am i supposed to tell maddie when i get home. shes so sweet she deserves better shit than me. the drive home was longer than usual i noticed i was in the driveway for half an hour. the lights to our small home were lit up in the kitchen. a girl watched me as i opened the door with her doe eyes. the looked big as usual she spoke in whispers with her back to me the moment i walked in. where have you been she asked i waited for you its now three in the morning. i missed you. im going to go to the guest room in case you want to bring her home. with that she left the room. i feel like a dumb ass.

[maddie]

im not very assertive. i sit back and let him fuck other girls because i refuse to fuck him. he needs to know im not gonna take my clothes off the second he asks me too. i never planned on this and we never spoke of it. i only know he does it. i laid in the dark freezing letting the moonlight be the spotlight to the dust that has been caught in place without motion the danced around my hands as i move my left hand into the light swatting at them. im a very careless person i loose things easily i lost my pet rabbit in the woods when i was ten because i was stupid and i still am. how the fuck does one loose a white rabbit on a leash its not normal. now im loosing the only boy i have been able to love for years in a constant base and not only that but i live with and cares for me to an extent. i want him to just promise im the only one for him and he can learn to wait. but thats asking too much already.

[rendrik]

maybe i should go in there and apologize to her. maybe i should just sit here and hope she comes out. maybe i should go back to fucking the pixie she was actually pretty good. oh maddies coming out of the room. without a second i felt her crash into me. she felt so warm tiny simple. we laid in the woods floor for a few minutes until i asked her why the fuck she did that. then i felt something wet on my chest maddie was in tears. she seems dull in this plain lighting but shes so much more beautiful to me. i sat there holding her. she told me she wanted to loose it all with me told me how much she loved me how long we've been together how she wants to loose it all with me right here and now. i hope she knows i love her back juts as much and i will not make her regret it. i loved her so much. yet look at her with that guy... i hope he hurts her. i hope he hurts her in ways i could not. one day shes gonna come crying back to me and im not gonna take her back or i will but im going to fuck her than walk away while shes asleep.

journal twentysix

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in the background. i hear the music playing his piano gently touched sensual sounds come unspoken and undone. it sings its tunes so emotionally tears want to stream like rivers but they stay put. asleep laid a tiny girl. she awakes from the sounds being played. the house filled with halls rooms secret corridors. she follows the sounds to the west wing watching from behind a the gold crested walls. the tall boy stops to turn their eyes met once only to have him stand to move towards her. extended his arms to her. they collided like wind does with water to form something beautiful. he was a tall scrawny black roughed hair boy she was prim proper freckled girl. both beautiful in their own way. they were different he asked her to sit she did as though she had been told by the people who had brought her here. he laid his cold finger tips against her arms following them down to place them on her hands. he asked her. if she ever played music before. she nodded the rested her head against the pianos walls she asked him to play her something gentle. as he did the music came out note by note until he had hit the seventh moment in to play a rougher tune as dramatic as the sounds of winds gliding across the grass fields that surrounded his home. he was the child of the school teacher. the girl looked up to notice his hands shake his head suddenly turn to a man not to different from him. come forth into the sunlit room that we had sat in. the room was lit by the suns warm rays running past the windows skin yet we were cold pale creatures wrapped in blankets of dense aires. asked him to go the room of dance. moving to the door there was a slight pause in time for just that moment he turns to see the young girl still laying her head against the piano smiles turns leaves her there. her body densely wrapped in black suits of thin for shoulders straps white coloress tights small shoes wrapped her feet pink in color. she played a tune of her own as she waited for the boy to come but he never did. she still waited until dusk had risen from its slumber. tears streamed down her cheek bones for face pale grey eyes met blue. the girl moved away from him asked why he never came back after he had gone for so long. he replied with only a mere apology whispered into the corridor as it echoed. the thin boy walked to meet her hand as it left the room. told her to stay. he asked if she'd dance with him. she turns to only stare at the rooms quiet lustless filled dull shine. he returns to his piano to sit. he begins to play asks her to dance with him. she begins her dance around the room with pianos playing the deep tunes so slowly to hear someone so dark cold lovely play such deeply known tunes from the heart was an honour to dance to. the music had stopped for only mere minutes for the boy had turned to stare at her closely their bodies only inches away moving to the moonlit widowed wood floor they sat closely. she mentions she was cold tired hungry he only kissed her face along the cheeks bones to follow to her lips gently. nights like these he said he i would miss you most i watched you walk these halls of my home but we never spoke why. his arms tightened around her body he laid his head against her hair. she spoke words simply of dance to her explanation around the truth. they stood in silence the dust had followed to cover the area they had been in like snow dusted against the outside. she turns to mention why he never spoke to her he only looked down upon her. i was scared to know you would not love me the way i do you your words so sweet hand landed upon my ears they frightened me to know you were nothing like me i only wish to please you but your the perfect essence of flowers that only hung so beautifully form the ceilings dancers of dust who gently would sit upon perfect boys. im still scared to hold you now but i love you to let you go. would you say you love me. she let the words of her own linger for a bit until the clock stroke one. she had mentioned she had been cold tired once more laid upon his chest the arms who had wrapped her took her through the quiet creaked halls up the wood railed stairs. to the musics wing. gave her a bed of his. laid her softly kissed her goodnight as he let her sleep he laid next to her. to keep her warm. morning had sunk in he had watched her awake with the sunrise her grey eyes gently flutter open still he laid closer he went until his words spoke i made sure you were safe warm untired will you love me like i do you. the sound of silence was unbearable her mouth opened only to speak of small fragile words. there were things i wish to have said to you of love you brought to my ears with your sad words we never spoke i wished to only think you would love me the way you do. i want to be the one who makes you happy let me lay still here with you until the time pulls me away like ocean tides from the sands of shores. i loved you the way you love me now we can be lets stay like this forever more. the door is knocked upon lightly. a woman walks in to mention 'tea time' the time felt slowly passed. i wish to never have this moment be forgotten. i recall it everyday i dance i hear pianos play. the claps are sounded. the curtains close. a tall scrawny black rough haired blue eyed boy stands to kiss the tiny pale freckled grey eyed girl. as roses were tossed upon the stage he picked up the red roses to hand her one with the same cold hands.

journal twentyfive

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two ten am is the moment i began to sleep with my eyes half open so i never missed a moment in time. i wanted to be sure i could see the glow in the dark stars i pasted on the ceiling. when i was ten i began buying stars these were not the most extravagant stars but they meant more to me than to anyone else. on the first star i began to write in small letters: hope is taking a ticket your number twelve thousand one hundred and twenty two. then the second star i wrote: my real father and mother never loved me thats why i ran away. then the third star would mention: i have a heavy weighed the kings and queens when their words were nothing but small choke holds in the kingdom. learn to let go. and so on. every night before i went to bed i wrote a new one then one day one of them fell onto the ground. it was star number one thirty seven on it was: the picture of my sister and brother and me. text written above them: we were our own family till our reigns fell. i looked back upon the others i had none others fell but this one this one wanted out. i think it was about that time they forgot about me. about us. the next day i picked up my pen to write before bed time and the worlds that became tacked on were: i forgot which way to home. i felt lost beyond explanation. the next night on star number three hundred and six i wrote: goodbye to all my wishes and hopes of dreams the history books forgot about us. then with that i took all the stars down all of them fell i spent hours on the floor crying to the stars i had written in a plastic bag they went pictures and all. into a box i burnt them all. the ashes i held were put into an empty jam jar i had written on the words: love's money the money i was going to use to buy my hearts home back. i set it upon my desk painted the ceiling with words the walls covered in pictures writings photos. i pour the bleach on the walls watch the the photos turn to a blur of colors. all of me. i wanted to erase my self. then repainted the walls all in one night. no one knew. then i waited for the windiest day to come by a storm. it was near. i ran to my room ran through the corn fields to the broken barns roof. opened the jar then my mouth spoke. 'now set us free' the jar tipped out of my dainty bone hands plummeted to the ground with a loud crash. the words are now gone no recollection no photos no secrets but much silence after the winds winds crashed the rain began i laid on the roof holding onto a balloon on it was spoken out: i will meet you half way but you have to be willing to go the part you promised. letting it go it flew off into the sky. as i sat there i waved goodbye. god never promised he would forgive me but he promised he would still protect me. i walked home alone that night. sitting upon my bed chills ran through the stomachs empty pits. something stung me deep for the bedsheets had been stained crimson bleach from the left leg's knee down to the foot of me. i laid there quietly not moving then a tear roamed freely fell upon my pillowcase decided it was tired and fell asleep.

journal twenty three

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my eyelids fall short from their slumber hearts weight become weary. hands lay silently still. my heart cannot take much more of this. my father he beat me. he beat me until i was a raw in color with red blotches dripping their way down like a river flows gently. stringed in pain one lays there. the pearless necklace rolled off under the bed. only a few minutes ago had i been dressed in mamas finest clothes makeup to the best of my ability. papa walked in to see me touching them. now im here wet with fear sticky crimson pure tears walked upon my dense skin. the sky looked blacker than normal it looked like a pit of a hole that once in you cannot find your way out where if you were to have spoken you would see and feel your words around your body sensing your moves with emotions. i don't think i can take this anymore i wanted to run away to juts hide for a while. im not having a very wonderful saints day.

journal twenty two

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you told me we could run away together. i waited for your call near the window as you had asked me too. you never came the mornings wind fallen crisp air of painted colors stacked neatly on the shelves of orange blue purple red pink. i had left the suitcases ready at the back end of the house. i waited purely to fascinate myself with thoughts of you until then i sat. it was not long until i heard footsteps near the door of my bedroom i jumped to the bed wrapping the inch of my body's cradled by the sheets the footsteps got closer to me. my mother had looked down upon my face of porcelain dotted with small freckles of delight. my eyes were shut tightly until she left. the books i had read with you lied around the beds edges. i waited but you never came. the night fall had come sooner than i would think but now. i am in search of a home of that with you. where did you go alone. i miss your being here. come home to me.

another cold dry rainy day. gotta love the weather seriously i do does anyone else love days like this its a lazy type of day the cars don't sound and you let life wither you away to nothing