journal seventeen

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the night had been colder than most. walking home from work i enjoyed the most. the snow covered lightly upon the sidewalks on top of cars on the tips of trees the roofs. i pulled out a cigarette from my pocket. tried to light it with gloved hands. i stopped by a small out house that had a stench so thick it made me choke on the dead air particles. i lit and walked on. the horizon lights were beautiful tonight the colors blended well the bokeh caused reminded me that of a camera. my cheeks stained themselves rose i could see my breathe in the air when i blew like smoke from a chimney rusty color the charcoal feel to the stones on the inner lids. i sat down for while blowing into the palms of my gloved hands the scarf around my neck froze with touches of the tense feel from the air. this is where me and papa used to come to. until he died. he had an accident with another car. mama walked out on me she never cared about me to begin with. papa he cared he always hugged me kissed me goodnight good morning. he always knew how to make me feel better with one word. i miss him i only wish god would not have taken him away from me. sometimes i flick god off just so he knows how i feel about his fucked up bullshit game. i live with a foster care family. they are nice people i ran away tonight im getting out of this town it has to much i can not will not hold onto any longer. my cheeks burned from the cold my bag sat along the stone wall i had laid myself upon. papa always told me he wanted to see me graduate i promised him i would but i lost hope i don't belong here papa would have been disappointed. i had been under construction with my emotions. the snow began to fall slowly dancing its way onto its bed. i blew into the air. making puff balls i used to tell papa i was a dragon i had fire breathe when i grew older i said i was a smoker he would always correct me as that was wrong. i used to be held onto when the winter carnival was here for a two days before leaving i would ride the ferris wheel. then there it was i heard the music all over again the moments the creaks taps squeaks. i wanted to smile again. i sat there in the silence i could hear the wind making brush noises on the winter wool jacket i had on. my long hair had got caught in the winds playfulness. i cried when i lit the cigarette making me drop it. i yelled i kicked i cursed i asked god why me why does this bullshit happen to me. our hearts are made in glass cages it makes us vulnerable to harm we might act like we are all strong we all lie. i would imagine its all bullshit. the reason i cry is because i am loosing this battle. i lost. i want to forget. i burned the notes i had made all four hundred and fifty seven of them their ashes i let roam free for all to see. they were what made me un-pure what made me feel the guilt i did i let them go. i should have said to him what i wanted him to remember the reason he had the accident was my fault. all of it was. if i had only been there we could have died together. instead i was smoking in the back alley we had. if only i had told him how much i loved him. i went to his grave a few days ago to tell him how much i loved him. thinking back on these i went the other way back to town before hand i took the cigarette packs out of my bag threw them down the bridges water fall into the river. waved goodbye walked. papa im going to change for you. im sorry.

journal sixteen

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i looked at the clock midnight fuck. i did not sleep once last night. i vomit though. i felt crawls upside in me it would not go away. then it went to my arms legs back to my stomach face. i began to scratch myself until i almost bled hit my head again the door drank cough medicine scratched some more hung upside down from the edges of my bed. i could not take this anymore. either i was going to kill myself or i will beat the shit out of my dog that was laying on the bed next to me. why i had no fucking idea. withdrawal is incredibly painful. i stood put on the royal blue winter jacket walked down the stairs slipped through the door letting it click behind me. i found myself smoking cigarettes down the road i don't give a shit anymore. i smoked at least two cigarettes until i got over to his house. the boy was a not-so-happy-emo boy his name was hyden. had blonde streak in his raven black hair some cut lines weak tiny boy then again i was a tiny girl. i called him he always answers the phone with 'what the fuck' because i always had to come late at night. he never complained once he came down and saw me. he leaned up against the doors frame. from between his lips came smoke a smirk lit up his face. i walked up to the door with the same look on my face. he threw his cigarette down.

'your back thought you said you were out'

'i changed my mind'

'mmm you got the crawls didn't you'

'possibly just shut up and come here'

we started to just make out against the door made tons of noise. i don't know how his parents did not hear us. we played a bit of games there in the end we ended up walking to his bedroom in the basement. we had sex all night i got a pretty good deal though he gave me what i wanted drugs. i was 'happy' none the less. the moans slipped my lips every once in a while hyden kept going i just had to keep up these days. we laid down together for a good long time. he had me all wrapped up in his arms the blankets kept us warm. he kissed my hair. then pushed my head up gently. kissing my lips instead. gentler than earlier. i moaned on accident. hyden pulled out his cigarette began to attempt to make rings curving his lips into the form the letter 'o' with smoke although he failed. i just took drags from his. i laid on his chest watching his movements. he noticed me watching. i blushed deep red. secretly i had a crush on him but i would never dare tell him he gives me drugs thats it i give him sex. nothing more. he blew into the air the last bit of smoke he had left. i kissed his chest. he pulled me up some more so i was face to face with him. he sucked on my neck roughly. then kissed my jaw line. pulled my face down to meet his kissed me. i felt shivers. he softly put me aside then he hugged me tighter. i felt in such good hands with him. he made sure i was warm. we fell asleep like this. that morning i woke up to notice he was not there. instead he was playing games on his couch. i walked over wearing his blanket. i was looking quite dull im sure but i was not feeling to well. he saw how red my cheeks were told me to sit next to him. he gave me a cigarette to join him. i refused. instead he gave me the drugs. we talked a bit. then he let me dress myself. he helped. sort of. it took longer than expected with two people. he never held my hand before. sometimes we learn to trust what we think others will find unexplainable. we learn to love those who sometimes are not the best but we love them none the less. his mother saw us but she did not say a word. i felt horrible. instead of going home he kissed my forehead on his porch and i began to cry. i was tired i was guilty i was dirty. and even though he made me feel this way i always came back for more. i loved him. i noticed the only reason i even started was because he had asked me to join him. now i wanted out but it was too late.autumn arrived lonely this year i felt sorry for it and cried over that thought as well. its a vicious circle. one day im not going to wake up. but it won't matter cause im going to keep going round round round and round this loop until until i let my brain do the talking it won't work out that way. im just waiting for the right moment. that won't come

journal fifteen

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tomorrows mama 's birthday. she always seemed to be in a state of euphoria i loved mama just for that.

'mama what do you want for your birthday?'

'anything really i have all i really need now.'

'but i think you deserve more'

'i only want to see your happiness nothing more'

then this silence came into the room. it slowly creeps up cold and tense. the old wood room began to squeak. th window's tree began to tap against the sill. the moon shone onto the bed traveled up my mama's spine to show her face at the top.

'mama are your sad'

'no i'm not go to bed'

'no i want to know why your sad'

'please go to bed dear'

i tried to sleep while i let the wire fan wind hit my cheeks that stained of tears. i could not sleep mama was not well i could tell. she needed to be well or i won't be well. i heard cries from the downstairs kitchen we had. that came from the vintage era. i wanted to know what was wrong she and my papa were all i had these days. i sat upon the rugged stairs with my head peaking out through the handle bars.mama had tears running down her rosey cheeks and papa was holding her still. the cried together. then i began to cry too.

'i did not know i was going to live any longer. i thought i was going to die. Anna needs me more than anything. cancer of the skin could have killed me.' all she did was shake.

'sweetie its alright now let's just never tell her. shes too young and we should just be happy your going to stay with us longer. we both love you.'

'i feel guilty she would have never known.'

i ran in quickly into the kitchen. teddy ran behind me too. and i jumped up onto the chair and asked to be pulled up.

'mama i love you don't go please don't'

then we all cried into eachother. for quite some time we were happy. its all that mattered.

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its been five years. now im lying next to her grave wearing the blackest charcoal jacket i had black tights black mary janes black lace dress gloved hands. a book laid next to me. i slept next to that grave for hours. i felt the same winds roll around me as to keep warm. the trees looked quit dull this year they were striped naked because the deers had come to eat. the skies looked gloomier this autumn. i talked to her like she was there i laid down the flowers. kissed her cold body tombstone. engraved was her name. then i sat quietly. the dusty gates creaked open people walked in to see their own dead. and all i said to her before leaving.

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'i wish we could have gone together. i miss you mama. come home please.' i stood and wiped my tears away 'but papa he needs me. he needs you. i love you sweet dreams mama'

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i pulled out a small photo. 'happy birthday mama'

journal fourteen

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i held myself while you were gone to keep me warm. i miss your kisses your small touches. come home come back here to where i am still waiting for you.

tonight

will

be

alright.

we fell asleep in each others dreams.

journal thireen
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im sorry. im going to let my tears run.
im forgiven. because i have given in.
im alone. only because i choose ot say so.
im left behind. all because i asked to not be picked up.
im dirty. but i know it won't change anymore.
im talented. because i practiced too hard to back out.

i won't be the last one standing. i know so.
i won't have the strength to keep going. so what.
i won't be able. i need you to be there.
i won't hold a heavy heart. there was no point.
i won't see you. only because i had lost faith in your reality.
i won't reach goals. ima failure people told me so.
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i will take your hand. i know your going to help me out.
i will forive others. mama taught me to do so.
i will trancend. papa told me i am the star of this show.
i will remind myself that you are now gone but i can make this.
i will remain clean. only becuase i know its what you taught me i should do.
i will love. you forever and always because you both taught me this so well.

i can do this. i only need short breathes before moving.
i can be free. whereever there is a light spirited wind to carry me.
i can hold onto nothing. because i know your going to think about it later and want it back.
i can grow older. i wont die for stupid reasons i can go on for you and only you.
i can see. the world or what it truly is an inspiring ground for one to roam open minded.
i can. i can do this because you have taught me well about this world i can make it through alone.
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but you you never let me go.

thank you

journal twelve
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i never knew what it was like to love. how it felt to kiss someone. i never knew how i felt from the start. the autumn had come late this year. i did not mind though. as long as i was able to walk through the foggy morning of thanksgiving breaks from school the sleepless nights on the gravel in tents where the wind playful hand would scoop up the sides in a game of pushes and tugs when the trees lost their youth only to be left with old ages when the roads had jackets hats with gloves walking around the small town we had. i only enjoyed the autumn because it was the only time i really truly saw my mama and papa. i never seen them so happy full of life. yet im the one sitting in the room alone. cold. sad. maybe i had outgrown eating candy corn by he fireplace. yet when no one was around i would take the same old teddy bear with the same old songs playing in the background with the same old blanket and the same old bucket of candy corn only to reminisce about the young years. i never slept well since i was a child. i always spent the days reading books of nothing in particular. the books i would read usually were picture books of family albums. i always said 'im not the one whos going to get hurt' but those nights i was pained with many delicate sugar coated thoughts. i would always set up the pictures of my mama and papa around the fireplace then i would include me in the middle. take a picture with my Polaroids safely hide them in the box i hand underneath my bed. then i would remove myself and only leave them. take another. save it for later. it's been three years since i last saw them. three years since i talked to them both. i never really knew why i left to begin with. i just did. now the only one being hurt over and over and over again it is not me. it's not them. its 'I'. but mama papa one day those letters i hide everyday underneath the dead turtle shell your going to find. see what i wanted to say to you. see what we all did together on those nights by the fireplace while we all slept. farewell good night sweet dreams sleep tight don't let those midnight bugs bite.

journal eleven
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i never reallya sked why the sky was blue. why the grass grew green. why my mama never really loved me. why my papa beat me. i just took it. i knew it was true the way things were. tonight was going to be alright for me. when sitting upon the wondow sill the clouds looked so peaceful. the sky reminded me of the daylight sunsets without the sun. the moon looked beautifully calm to me. kisses upon my cheek of rosey red color came from the wind who creeped along side the open curtains. that when touched had rough lace with soft colors of pink. wishing for things to be this way forever but forever is never going to happen. sometimes i wanted to question the possibilities of life but i saw no point it as i would only get it taken back into my throat's voice box. my nose turned rosey red. the leaves turned old crusty and colored them selves rust. the creeks of the house muttered and turned in its restless sleep.as i began to drift for the bed sheets. paper cranes hung delicately from the top of my ceiling each in the pure color of white. for every mistake i made that had altered my life i would change take one down and make another one in the color of black and in white letters i would inscribe what i had done wrong to never forget what i had done so wrong. then if i can fix it i would take the black one down and make a new one white again. only to remind myself i still have hope of something good inside me. this morning came too crisp too thin the fog had created a crease in the surrounding areas it's deeply cold shivers followed down the road. did i mention the cemetery next door. i don't think i did. but it not important its only that someone i knew a long time ago had died of leukemia. my mama's friend. she had been struggling with it for years. i never put mind to it but one day as i was sitting next to her i had began to walk around the room (so carelessly that one bird remains black for the rest of my life) the cord to her breathing supply had been near the floor. i guess i was fine to see what was to happen next. the cord had been near the foot of the bed i only stood to stare at her pale skin. the clocks ticking noise was bothersome. i hated analog clocks as much as i hated analog cameras. then as i backed away i had stepped on the cord unplugging it from the wall. thats when she gasped for air Like the fishes do when they are near death. she screamed in silence calling out to me to help her breathe again. and i walked out. she died that night after they had tried to help her keep breathing. its nights like these where the nights had never felt colder. the one black bird that i make to set upon her grave next door. i wrote the same message on each one. "death is a hollow goodbye. but the devil will remain to sleep by your side." with that i took the breathe so calm continued to walk down the path of gravel and rich red dirt. rosey red cheeks gloved hands jacket body wool hat. the leaves looked mighty fine this year. the same ones i saw the night before. then a smirk arose upon my lips. the small thought of sweet dreams. farewell. goodnight.