journal twenty

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these lakes hold something of a memory. of lace beings with wings so delicate they glide on water. we had a small cabin up in the hilltops of the woods the air there is so crisp fogged to the point of extinction of ones sight. mama always made dinners on the small natural grill we made years ago. the entrance seemed dulled from what i recall. i had a small memory flash it was going to be the last i had of him for years. my brother he had lukemia. he was only ten i recall. on a day much like this one. we had just come home from the hospital a couple days before coming to the cabin for the weekend. mother and father kept us away from people who might bring harm to keep us pure we were brought up in cabins as a family thing. i can never say i got tired of it. one summer we had been coming into the cabin he had mentioned he was not feeling so good. papa thought it was his excuse not to help out we all laughed at him. hours later we noticed he had not come down for dinner even after told to. i went up to check on him he was on the floor ina puddle of blood coughed up onto the hard wood stained floors. i screamed in the horrendous way for i was feeling guilty for his death. i never relaly quite recovered now thinking back on it i still feel guilt i feel sadness grow in my cold tired eyes. walking past the kitchens stupid decorated stair case wall. the winds sweet caressing the house's body. the one person cemetery we had laid about with timmy's body underground. i wept for quite sometime. i placed a blanket above the ground over his grave i wanted him to know i still cared for him. i placed his bowl of oats out for him to get. the wind knocked it over on its side. i apologized to him. cut the winds hand. i kissed the ground gently told him he was going to be alright and i was going to be here.

journal nineteen

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it's cold this morning. he leaned in to give me a small kiss on the forehead. i don't know why the room got colder the bed felt un-welcoming his arms around me felt wrong his hot breathe on my neck was not the same as before it was frigid as if mere words could not say it already. he never loved me he used me over and over and over. the saddest part is i knew this and still kept coming back to him i cried on his bare shoulder's skin. it rained was raining i had mimicked the skies flow onto myself because it was what i needed to do. cleanse my body of him free my soul from him. he never loved me. he used me every fucking time. i never knew what it was like to truly fall in love with someone you knew never would love me back unless sex was involved. he kept touching pushing holding pressures build and i must break down. i won't let my heart down again. removing oneself is the first step. i gave up trying i needed to get up walk away go home. he would not let go. i tried to get him to let me go he slapped me asked me if i was being stupid he always loved me. i began to cry though the words i had let slip i told him i did not love him the room had car's light crossing a top our naked bodies against the wall the heat came from home which was not here. i had to leave this lonely place. the sheets that held us together were warm to the touch but cold to wrap oneself in. the scent left on them was unbearable. i pushed away harder this time. tried to be stronger this time. letting me go pushed onto the table i knocked over a lamp his radio our picture our trust is now gone. i clothed myself leaving through the back door i heard him come. i ran to the outskirts of his homes land even then i kept running through the high ways of the city. cars honked at me calling me names making fun. i had been so tired. i walked for three hours in cold with out a jacket. funny the place i found first was Bucharest the city i had found him in there was a corner we had first met i had spilled my coffee onto him he dripped so much in the store i apologized he said he never met a girl as adorable as me. i fell in love with him then and there we met everyday in the mornings. i frowned upon the thought but my heart was not frowning. i walked in to sit int he same old chair we used to sit. i touched the chairs smooth oaken brace the cushions were greener than i recall the place drenched in his scent. the same people walked by over over over the same frowns one hold when the weather is down. i had to leave this town he's been all over me this town this home of mine i have to leave. i had been so tired i wanted to sleep. looking around a box laid alone. sleep was meant well when a stranger had come back to pick at it. i slept near the trash cans covered in a sweater ripped jeans black ballet flats. i blew cold breathed airs onto the canvas sky. i never knew how it was like to be homeless. unloved for uncared for lonely without him i cried onto the black still bags. i begged to die. i cried myself to sleep. then a warm body laid next to mine i did not even bother to look back. i felt them wrap their arms around me push their head into my hair. he came back. he knew i was here how.why. i turned to look at his face he had tears streamed down those same blue eyes i fell in love with had tears streamed down cascading onto his lips as he spoke. i hushed him held him close as i could. you never know how to fall in love until you see one cry themselves into love. you never know what its like until you look at a boy who is oblivious to you until the day he remembered our place. our home was not there. it was here where we had first met. i felt loved. this place his scent this town watching us sleep still together. this is home. this is love. i'll love you as long as you remember. just don't forget...please

journal eighteen

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i am raw beauty in the essence. for i do not sleep i do not eat i only mimic what the world has asked of me. mother always had this air to her the kind you find around those of a queen when they walk their gardens out in the moonlit paths of morning lilies hung loosely from their veins of weeping willows tightened from their stringed roots. she was the one i called mother. she was what i saw as beauty. i am the one she bore when she was quiet young i had nothing of hers i had none of her faults she had many. i only wish to own them to say i knew her well but we never spoke to each other. only though photographs she is long gone now. as i live on the outskirts of my imagery in the lack of color the disbelief of time. tick tock tick tock the clocks are calling me out from my sleep. nightmares of faces i do not know women in gowns so delicately hung from their bodies of white color of pure color. sunken raccoon eyes awake me from my deep slumber as i am handed a small mirror. looking upon it i see no face just a weeping girl she looked quite like me. he eyes were black underneath her face round lips like rough rocks along shore lines of soft deep yellow sand blue eyes dulled down to that of a pair of worn down skies. i weeped for quite sometime dropping the mirror to fall like leaves do in the calm autumn springs i hear so much of but have never seen. tears lash down mirrors break with no sounds words come in bold letters on walls of gray. small trickles of crimson cascades down my palms as i push them onto my forehead with light smokeless breathes try to forget i moan hold your tongue let these pains be your punishment let the world fun of you. drops aside i hear them fall in such quite rooms as i lay on the cold washed down wood floors. i am not raw beauty. i am ugly straight down to my core. make me forget make us believe that we have something special about ourselves even though it is a figment of our imaginations a pigment of color regretful words that only coil onto our hearts that in these days are held together with glass seams that fall apart when touched upon. i can never be like mother even though in reality she was just as lifeless just as structureless. the difference is only that when spoken upon she reflected what she was given she hid no shame in others eyes. she deceived me. mother one day i will grow on your faults.

journal seventeen

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the night had been colder than most. walking home from work i enjoyed the most. the snow covered lightly upon the sidewalks on top of cars on the tips of trees the roofs. i pulled out a cigarette from my pocket. tried to light it with gloved hands. i stopped by a small out house that had a stench so thick it made me choke on the dead air particles. i lit and walked on. the horizon lights were beautiful tonight the colors blended well the bokeh caused reminded me that of a camera. my cheeks stained themselves rose i could see my breathe in the air when i blew like smoke from a chimney rusty color the charcoal feel to the stones on the inner lids. i sat down for while blowing into the palms of my gloved hands the scarf around my neck froze with touches of the tense feel from the air. this is where me and papa used to come to. until he died. he had an accident with another car. mama walked out on me she never cared about me to begin with. papa he cared he always hugged me kissed me goodnight good morning. he always knew how to make me feel better with one word. i miss him i only wish god would not have taken him away from me. sometimes i flick god off just so he knows how i feel about his fucked up bullshit game. i live with a foster care family. they are nice people i ran away tonight im getting out of this town it has to much i can not will not hold onto any longer. my cheeks burned from the cold my bag sat along the stone wall i had laid myself upon. papa always told me he wanted to see me graduate i promised him i would but i lost hope i don't belong here papa would have been disappointed. i had been under construction with my emotions. the snow began to fall slowly dancing its way onto its bed. i blew into the air. making puff balls i used to tell papa i was a dragon i had fire breathe when i grew older i said i was a smoker he would always correct me as that was wrong. i used to be held onto when the winter carnival was here for a two days before leaving i would ride the ferris wheel. then there it was i heard the music all over again the moments the creaks taps squeaks. i wanted to smile again. i sat there in the silence i could hear the wind making brush noises on the winter wool jacket i had on. my long hair had got caught in the winds playfulness. i cried when i lit the cigarette making me drop it. i yelled i kicked i cursed i asked god why me why does this bullshit happen to me. our hearts are made in glass cages it makes us vulnerable to harm we might act like we are all strong we all lie. i would imagine its all bullshit. the reason i cry is because i am loosing this battle. i lost. i want to forget. i burned the notes i had made all four hundred and fifty seven of them their ashes i let roam free for all to see. they were what made me un-pure what made me feel the guilt i did i let them go. i should have said to him what i wanted him to remember the reason he had the accident was my fault. all of it was. if i had only been there we could have died together. instead i was smoking in the back alley we had. if only i had told him how much i loved him. i went to his grave a few days ago to tell him how much i loved him. thinking back on these i went the other way back to town before hand i took the cigarette packs out of my bag threw them down the bridges water fall into the river. waved goodbye walked. papa im going to change for you. im sorry.

journal sixteen

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i looked at the clock midnight fuck. i did not sleep once last night. i vomit though. i felt crawls upside in me it would not go away. then it went to my arms legs back to my stomach face. i began to scratch myself until i almost bled hit my head again the door drank cough medicine scratched some more hung upside down from the edges of my bed. i could not take this anymore. either i was going to kill myself or i will beat the shit out of my dog that was laying on the bed next to me. why i had no fucking idea. withdrawal is incredibly painful. i stood put on the royal blue winter jacket walked down the stairs slipped through the door letting it click behind me. i found myself smoking cigarettes down the road i don't give a shit anymore. i smoked at least two cigarettes until i got over to his house. the boy was a not-so-happy-emo boy his name was hyden. had blonde streak in his raven black hair some cut lines weak tiny boy then again i was a tiny girl. i called him he always answers the phone with 'what the fuck' because i always had to come late at night. he never complained once he came down and saw me. he leaned up against the doors frame. from between his lips came smoke a smirk lit up his face. i walked up to the door with the same look on my face. he threw his cigarette down.

'your back thought you said you were out'

'i changed my mind'

'mmm you got the crawls didn't you'

'possibly just shut up and come here'

we started to just make out against the door made tons of noise. i don't know how his parents did not hear us. we played a bit of games there in the end we ended up walking to his bedroom in the basement. we had sex all night i got a pretty good deal though he gave me what i wanted drugs. i was 'happy' none the less. the moans slipped my lips every once in a while hyden kept going i just had to keep up these days. we laid down together for a good long time. he had me all wrapped up in his arms the blankets kept us warm. he kissed my hair. then pushed my head up gently. kissing my lips instead. gentler than earlier. i moaned on accident. hyden pulled out his cigarette began to attempt to make rings curving his lips into the form the letter 'o' with smoke although he failed. i just took drags from his. i laid on his chest watching his movements. he noticed me watching. i blushed deep red. secretly i had a crush on him but i would never dare tell him he gives me drugs thats it i give him sex. nothing more. he blew into the air the last bit of smoke he had left. i kissed his chest. he pulled me up some more so i was face to face with him. he sucked on my neck roughly. then kissed my jaw line. pulled my face down to meet his kissed me. i felt shivers. he softly put me aside then he hugged me tighter. i felt in such good hands with him. he made sure i was warm. we fell asleep like this. that morning i woke up to notice he was not there. instead he was playing games on his couch. i walked over wearing his blanket. i was looking quite dull im sure but i was not feeling to well. he saw how red my cheeks were told me to sit next to him. he gave me a cigarette to join him. i refused. instead he gave me the drugs. we talked a bit. then he let me dress myself. he helped. sort of. it took longer than expected with two people. he never held my hand before. sometimes we learn to trust what we think others will find unexplainable. we learn to love those who sometimes are not the best but we love them none the less. his mother saw us but she did not say a word. i felt horrible. instead of going home he kissed my forehead on his porch and i began to cry. i was tired i was guilty i was dirty. and even though he made me feel this way i always came back for more. i loved him. i noticed the only reason i even started was because he had asked me to join him. now i wanted out but it was too late.autumn arrived lonely this year i felt sorry for it and cried over that thought as well. its a vicious circle. one day im not going to wake up. but it won't matter cause im going to keep going round round round and round this loop until until i let my brain do the talking it won't work out that way. im just waiting for the right moment. that won't come

journal fifteen

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tomorrows mama 's birthday. she always seemed to be in a state of euphoria i loved mama just for that.

'mama what do you want for your birthday?'

'anything really i have all i really need now.'

'but i think you deserve more'

'i only want to see your happiness nothing more'

then this silence came into the room. it slowly creeps up cold and tense. the old wood room began to squeak. th window's tree began to tap against the sill. the moon shone onto the bed traveled up my mama's spine to show her face at the top.

'mama are your sad'

'no i'm not go to bed'

'no i want to know why your sad'

'please go to bed dear'

i tried to sleep while i let the wire fan wind hit my cheeks that stained of tears. i could not sleep mama was not well i could tell. she needed to be well or i won't be well. i heard cries from the downstairs kitchen we had. that came from the vintage era. i wanted to know what was wrong she and my papa were all i had these days. i sat upon the rugged stairs with my head peaking out through the handle bars.mama had tears running down her rosey cheeks and papa was holding her still. the cried together. then i began to cry too.

'i did not know i was going to live any longer. i thought i was going to die. Anna needs me more than anything. cancer of the skin could have killed me.' all she did was shake.

'sweetie its alright now let's just never tell her. shes too young and we should just be happy your going to stay with us longer. we both love you.'

'i feel guilty she would have never known.'

i ran in quickly into the kitchen. teddy ran behind me too. and i jumped up onto the chair and asked to be pulled up.

'mama i love you don't go please don't'

then we all cried into eachother. for quite some time we were happy. its all that mattered.

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its been five years. now im lying next to her grave wearing the blackest charcoal jacket i had black tights black mary janes black lace dress gloved hands. a book laid next to me. i slept next to that grave for hours. i felt the same winds roll around me as to keep warm. the trees looked quit dull this year they were striped naked because the deers had come to eat. the skies looked gloomier this autumn. i talked to her like she was there i laid down the flowers. kissed her cold body tombstone. engraved was her name. then i sat quietly. the dusty gates creaked open people walked in to see their own dead. and all i said to her before leaving.

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'i wish we could have gone together. i miss you mama. come home please.' i stood and wiped my tears away 'but papa he needs me. he needs you. i love you sweet dreams mama'

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i pulled out a small photo. 'happy birthday mama'

journal fourteen

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i held myself while you were gone to keep me warm. i miss your kisses your small touches. come home come back here to where i am still waiting for you.

tonight

will

be

alright.

we fell asleep in each others dreams.