Monday, August 31, 2009

journals one
See me and Alex were really close a couple months back until we hit high school then it got to the point it was just we would see each other say “hey” and move on no problem. Then Alex wanted to get close again talking about how we never really talked anymore all I could say was I know thats it. Now we were real close now we were dating. But when we dated it felt weird but safe. Like how a baby bird feels when he's trying to fly and his mama is right behind him. One night we sat outside doing nothing in particular. Told me he wanted to show me something behind the shed there were bones of small animals and he picked one up told me it was for me told me to put it up to my ear so I can hear the thoughts of the animal who died and the sound of nothing in particular. I listened to him and his bull shit like I actually cared and I did, I did care. Next night he had me laying on his bed wearing nothing but his shirt and undergarments. Stroking me like I was some kind of pet I liked that. He told me he had been so stressed and I looked down at myself flat and an ugly color of brown. Nothing to really want. He read my mind told me I reminded him of desert sand filled with small sand crystals that sparkled no matter if the sun was out. I liked that. I started to feel bad for him feeling so stressed all the time I just did not know what he could want. All I could do was kiss him and tell him it was going to be alright he's going to make it out of this town. But I guess he wanted something more. He made love to me under the bright moonlit bed he had. Wrapping every inch of my body with his cascading scent. I don't see what he would want with a girl like me who had dull black hair with dark brown eyes like moon rocks, flat and boring in color. He was pale tall blond gray eyed boy. Two nights later told me he did not want to be with me anymore I cried hard enough for him I'm sure he heard me from across town. Called me and told me he was stressed and needed me. I knew what he wanted all I had to do was give in. we were sex buddies thats it nothing else. I was so ashamed to tell anyone but Alex kept me safe so it was okay. Then it got to the point where he needed it no matter what. one night he became angered by my actions not wanting to do this anymore. He would push me up against a wall suck on my neck like a hungry bear does in the bee hive. Slap me. Then bruise me to remind me of the night the next morning. I laid on the wood floor for hours on end spitting up cum and air. He just laid there keeping one arm around me. I wanted to cry but I knew that would only bring more pain. No use in trying to hide it. So I cried into him. Then he told me some of his other buddies needed some sex too. I was a slut of many sorts. I met a boy named Andi in my classroom of biology he was studying anthropology but said it bored him I would laugh at what he would say. He asked me out a couple days later Andi never questioned my reasons for being away for so long all he knew was I always looked grim after I came home. So he asked me but tried to not push me into telling him. Then one night I told him and he became scared for me. He said he wanted to beat the fuck out of them. I tried to hold him back he calmed down. In the halls he would always glare at Alex and his friends. One night he comes to his apartment I'm on the couch reading a book about sisters and how they never seem to stay together for too long. He had blood stains on his shirt and some cuts on his fore arm I asked him what he did he said some business he needed to attend to. I became frightened for him. I loved Andi but it was not his battle to fight and he knew he had put me in more danger I'm sure but mostly himself. That night I told him I had a nightmare after I awoke from heavy panting sweat on my body. Andi laid next to me not moving I gently made my way to the door closing it with a hush sound. Walking late at night wearing nothing but Andi's football jacket and my skinny jeans. The cold fall wind caressing my hair with its grace. I had pulled out a cigarette to calm me down I walked to the corner. But my hands were trembling I wanted to scream I wanted to tell the world how I felt I wanted to tell Alex. Making my lips into an o-shape trying to make round smoke circles I failed each time. The nights tree's looked lurid compared to day trees. Hearing some noises behind the bushes I became frightened moved closer to the apartment door. Alex stepped out with Jake. I tried to get away but I ended up having to scream but it was no use. I was hopeless. The night became pitch black. Drip drop. Drip drop. Blind. I could not see. I felt a pain go through me my arms were bruised and cut badly I had blood rings around my wrists, and ankles I was raped by them both again. I remember there being tears and screams. Fights with faults. I was stuck here. Memories came back. Into my hand cum and air all over again.

Friday, August 21, 2009

born into brothels

one of those sad movies you see and i think its amazing that zana came into show them to see the world through a lens. the little children in prostitution lines makes me want to cry from how upset i have gotten watching it. i don't think i could see kids like this and not help them. i always wanted to help those children. they have hopes and dreams just like us but no they don't get that chance. one girl said sometimes she wonders what her life would be like if she lived somewhere else how she could become something of herself. then they would get told by other adulets calling them b---h, c--t, f--kers. i mean how do they live like this i don't know i always valued soemthing of those women and children who lived in places soo dirty but try to make the best of it. the children when zna came in started to teach them how to use the camera gave them classes an outlet. its in indian sooo i hope you can read english well so you can understand the subs in there. im soo happy zana is helping these kids giving them something to show others through what they see that many don't. its sad though so brace yourself i cried for the sadder parts. like one kid was chained to the post of a window or soemthing if some of those mothers or sister would have not saved the younger ones in families that are girls their father don't even care and they would SELL their own daughter f--k thats gross! one day i hope those kids get soemthing to make of themselves theyd eserve to be somewhere better : (

just watch it if you get a chance its amazing and sad to see things that go on that we never get a chance to see all the time.

im not good at little biographies and shiz so just trust me its good!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

it rained today.
i went outside wearing nothing but my underwear and a long shirt. that had a smile on it. it took me the longest time to find some pants after walking so much i put on striped shorts with white socks on feet.
it poured so hard i had no idea what i was doing. i had some pills in the small pocket it had thinking maybe i can go now. but i sat in the middle of the road instead. no cars came they were all alseep.
i fell asleep on the wet ground of gravel on my driveway. something bit me i had blood on my legs memories flooded back. pain, then the tears came softly after joining the cries of euphoria i had calling out to hell to come and get me if that's what they want just make it stop.
i think i slept with the devil because now i feel unforgiving to myself. i don't want anything from anyone. i don't want to live. i don't want these memories. i don't want to be me. our cars are stashed up in their cupboards under their freshly painted walls surrounding them. must be nice to feel fresh.
mama saw me on the ground we had to clean up my wounds. she asked me and i said nothing in return. i started to cry and mama hugged me closer trying to make my pains go away. papa stood at the door frame holding his head down trying to think. i think i went insane.
couple months ago i went insane as i could took all the markers i had made stories on my walls. made pictures, lists, wishes, imaginary friends. all because i wanted to get across my point. no one ever heard me unless i spoke up right and when i did i was told to hold my tongue. now i have carvings on my walls that i made. i still have marker drawn all over. i covered it up with white pure paint because i couldn't stand to see it anymore. everyones seen it. they think i need help.
now i am here looking at the lust less glow in the dark stars i pasted on my ceiling. they don't glow anymore i painted over them. i wrote a wish on the back of all 100 of them i know no one will ever read them. but i know its something i can know is there. maybe those messages i carved into trees were just a dumb idea. but i needed to get something out. needed a way.
now I'm tired feeling dumber than dumb and holding onto something i know i should let go. white socks are hanging from a line on my small tree in the front yard i know they won't dry if it rains anymore, but i never want them to because all the wetness they have remind me of my old memories. i want them to be this way forever. whenever it rains i am always out there recalling for 'us' she, he, and I. all of us i won't forget i refuse to be the one who forgets. it just hurts.
white socks are living memories to me.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

you never know what being a kid is until your walking 3 miles from home in white socks
with your vodka in hand. laughing like a mad man. looking up into the sky to catch snowflakes on your warm tonugue. of chocking on air with a fit of hysteria wind blown hair .
how can you not remember about 'us'?
how did she forget? how could she? she and i promised we would be together forever now shes gone my one and only sister is gone into a new home. shes not coming back this time i know she won't. Anne i miss you come home please i want to be sisters again like when we roamed in our little white socks looking for frogs to catch and kiss to make into princes for us to be able to live our dreams. don't you remember?
'Anne when you leave will you remember me?'
'how can i not Corinah your my sister of course I'm going to visit you and mama and papa'
'how old will you be?'
'i don't know maybe twelve?'
'oh that's a long time right?'
'i think so'
she forgot about me and shes not coming back
shes not going to come back i miss her mama make her come back
she forgot how we used to hide under the covers when we had to share secrets.
how we shared cake faces each birthday we had.
when i cried she used to always be the one there
now she left me and she snot coming back she has her new home what did i do wrong and i think i cannot go on alone.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

thinsg that remind me of you

sitting at a type writer listening to the clicks underneath my bones for hands
looking out through my window staring at the sky but the stars never showed once
the moon was out of my radar all that was is covered in darkness of dusty drapes, and dresses and pictures and pearl necklaces that had no lust underneath their chains.

walking down those hillsides we used to when we were younger
sitting in our secret place i set the paper in a small nook in the tree
looking down i saw many messages on every one those were us

maybe one day this letter i wrote to you through heavy teared eyes
you will own but guessing your never going to come back for me
just remember i never ran away from you i only left to start a new chapter what could have been

our life..

Friday, August 14, 2009

im back to my old self

i am now goignto do only self portraits and exclusive people who i will ask to model for me or maybe i never will maybe i want to do things on my own thats why i ordered my new self remote and im ordering my lenses as well but i can say that those pictures are mine and i can be proud of them in every way im glad about it

Sunday, August 9, 2009

actions to use C:

just credit when used and link back to my DA account pigswearties and send me a linakge here or there [i prefer there but this is good too]

Monday, August 3, 2009

white rice made in china

i traveled long nights and old mornings, with the smell of saltwater tree's streaming in my nose. i moved closer to the brown dirt sailed with water and picked the rice leaves. i let streams of sweat come down my back and face, but smiled all the same.

someone turned to annouce our break time. a little boy fair skin matching that of the skies white clouds. held out their hand whispering to me give this letter to my mama and papa for im about to die. i turned to see if i knew his parents only to note he was gone, i held his letter close to my heart his words echoing still. the rice pack i held dropped from the strings. as rice was scattered among the grounds and the bushes.

the little pieces fell gently into the sky creating their formations like rice in the dry land's grass sky.....