Thursday, September 24, 2009

well just wanted to share with thos ehwo blog more even though i have like seven followers who already know of me and my photos else where
journal ten
i guess. if i were to have died no one would care why would they even look twice for me. they won't. i sat perched on the roof top while i waited for the sun to come up drenched in blankets of azure color moments like these i would live for. fog drifted making not but a hush sound of noises so sweet. the cricket played their ending songs while winds clapped their bedtime symphony. hot chocolate dripped upon my lips. voices so sweet called upon me 'little girl little girl what is your name'. i stopped to think with the look of uncertainty i gave not but a small reply before the silence 'leslie....i guess' i looked down upon the cup with marshmellows sinking like those of ships at sea. nose dripping i wiped away its tears of the cold. cheeks tinted those of a rose so delicatly sweet. i lacked color in sight. with the wind there to keep me cold i let the blankets roll off. the sunset hit many things right. with a grand entrance of holiday cheers it rose up from down under with colors of yellow orange pink purple explosions of bombs going off in the far air. rush of blood to the head i had begun to feel small drips on the back of the ribbon like hair golden brown. tuffs of leaves covered me. sweaters of black color sleeves longer than i cold hold to. down the dreams i had fell. into the rabbits hole. masks covered the lights. my heart broke at their seems. then with a reply of 'little girl little girl your going to sleep heavy with very much sweet dreams' blood dripped from lips. lovely delicate laced bones tied together wrapped in leaves with veins showing in every which way. then a reply so small only her thoughts would here it 'i could have now died happily' a smile crept upon her face as the fog began the dispersments without monologue of words. howled. kicked. held the small dense thoughts together in the small scrapbook. bound by tree's limbs the old worn houses wooden logs. the dead birds bones scripted the words while the black cats purred to sit along next to her while she slept alone.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

journal nine
mmm no one ever thinks about the autumn the way i do. its a time to be with family friends. i laid on the cold grass leaves we had sat on our yard. the smells of cinnamon turkey bread dragged on as if it were a cigarettes smoke coming to become inhaled though the nose and sighed out the mouth. my golden hair spread its arms out to catch the moments along i had been wanting to. a red jacket crossed my mind. a red head long to the waist bone thin frame freckles on face doe eyed girl. who was she i wondered. i saw her imitate me from her sea of leaves colored orange yellow brown. that made sounds so loud it was heard around the world. she smiled waving her bone hands in my direction. she was beautiful. the day must end to begin anew so my mama said. i walked to my room and have not come out since. laying still on the flower crested comforters. my boots rested across my wall jacket hung black in color. my head hurt. the sink began its words of wisdom to me. drip.drop.drop.drop.drip. i was cold. freezer cold. the beds creeked softly. the winds pushed the house ina game of tag. i wrapped my hands against my thick body. pale. paler than normal. i think im sick. i figured. the silence dosent consume my every thought nor does death of grave yards thick with fog. for i found that my only friend had been silence all along i was scared to be alone for the fear of listening to my own self thoughts for the fear of thinking for someone else. for the fears of having been alone all my life. the tv bares its sounds as i sat in the basement. the wood stock is full. the shoe boxes of threads were full. the book shelf is full of nothing new. and i am full of nothing. i am a full glass i am the glass whos optimism has gone emptied. i am the one listening to pearls fall to the floor to the sink tell me stories of thinder storms it has been in. then the tears i had begin to flow. holding onto nothing was surely somehting or i would not be crying for the one thing i needed the most it was truly nothing.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

journal eight
shit happens.people die. its inevitable plus no one ever [really] cares. my best friends mother died from leukemia she cried and wanted me for support but like i said shit happens she cried and cried at the funeral but i looked on into the skyline. the autumn's lurid trees coming down onto us the leaves of many years fell onto the ground around us. musicians played with gloved hands in black from heads to toes. i stood a drift from the crowd weeping not one tear. of course i made my respects to the dead but not an ounce of sympathy was found. i wore my black lace dress black lace tights with tree like limbs to go around my legs black mary jane heels that dug into the ground i wore a black petticoat jacket to make sure i was warm with happy less sorrows. of course as the music played the people weeped i left walking endlessly showing not one emotion. i moved away slowly as if i wanted to say something but i couldn't. autumn was always the best time to die. its cold out i can see my breathe in the air. death doesn't scare me as i am no longer scared to live either. when one remembers its easy to live you learn death is nothing but a matter of words on the air with tense tongues. this was my first and last visit for comfort. i had focused eyes on the horizon as i left through the unkempt gates of more black paint. the path i followed out was one i saw in a movie once when theres a nostalgic feel when the leaves continue to fall off the ones on the ground make wonderful scenery when they see their old lives in front of them and their new one behind them. just know theres only you and one guy who knows what your thoughts are. you the devil and i.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

journal seven
cold so cold. breathes. short breathes. golden girls walk passing my body leaving behind scents of grace and love. sitting across a table alone he was staring at them but not me. i looked at his face without thought. i felt caught in my thought as i always did. my skin tingled when i felt something on my back. of course i always get secret messages to get told when to keep in line by the girls around me. i will never be as thin or as pretty as them, I'm going to be the bizarre girl you saw twelve years ago who wore bandages of tan on her knees all the time (well most of the time). i had big round deep brown eyes glossy black hair crooked smiles much laughter little to compete for. the ochre colored soil along with grass smooth as newly sanded walls. as warm as sun that hit my skin making me burn with sun cancer at all times i was a free child. i had a bit of a hippie compartment to myself. small things intrigued me little treasure trucks at the boutiques small cameras i had seen in department stores. now i have tired dull brown eyes damaged hair no smile small set backs i let take over my life as of today. i work and work for something but i know I'm talentless. i wish to be those golden girls from when i was four. nowadays when they want to say something to me about me they let me know with pieces of paper notes that fall onto my back like snow. all saying another thing about me. i was the one who was shoved into lockers left to count the minutes left in my own filth until i had warm tears coming down something wet down my legs. smelling of urine when i stepped out. i was only a mere ten year old girl. soon i was called a names. then we decided to move from my home my faith my memories stayed when i left i have nothing today. i met a boy in Sunday school. when he first saw me i had given up on appearance all i wore were baggy sweatshirts headbands long jeans only blue jeans. he asked me for my number. i ignored him tried not to smile i knew i would only get hurt he told me his name was Jason. he had red hair he had the same crooked smile i had he wore nothing different in particular like i did. i never told him my name a virgin girl mentioned my name was leslie he said i had a beautiful. i did not believe him every sunday he would be there never missing a day. he always tried to talk to me i always ignored him im guessing it only made him want to speak to me more. i decided maybe i could say something. instead i sat away from the group i was with. the same girls golden they were untouchable by girls like me. jason the same blue eyes boy walked over to me and opened a chair for me he acted like a jerk when he did so but i sat next to him none the less he seemed funny he still wanted my number but i never gave it to him then one day i wanted to talk to him again but i never did. he had a friend names damon who told me he had a present from jason. there was a card and flowers red ones i loved roses. i took them home and left them on my desk to rot while i left the note unopened. i cried for most of the night. i just wanted to fit in. now im getting lied to from boys who don't love me like. a couple days after i read the note tears came to my eyes once more. lies. cheats.stupidity all came to mind when opened i was kidding myself. i was not a golden girl i was touchable i could be reached and surpassed in many ways i only listened to the stories told by his writing. i told my friends how stupid he was but everyday he would take the same route to class to see me he would wink at me to make me blush he would whisper things to me from a seat away. then i read the note once more.
your one of the only girls i can look at who has eyes as beautiful as yours remind me of the oceans when i look into them its wonderful. your something i cannot get out of my head i want to be with you and i want to see you more and more i talked to your friends but i guess they don't want me to be with you. but i love you let me love you please give me a chance its all i ask of you.
your the reason i want to even go to school because i know i might see you there.
lies. all of it was bullshit. i let him talk me into it after the new season had come for winter i let him talk me into being with him. i still felt uncomfortable the way he touched me talked to me he had me wrapped in his arms but only in secret spots only we knew about no one else would know he promised me. we would kiss and fall onto the ground to look at the sky together i loved him. one night he and i laid next to eachother all i could think was maybe i was touchable again. i felt powerful i was golden. with him thats what he made me. i kissed him with fits of giggles in between he chased me half way down the park telling me to stop hiding from him i jumped on his back making him topple over i giggled my ruffle top came undone from behind i asked him to lace my bow back up. he did not touch it he sat there staring at my loose shirt. i asked him once more and he said he preferred me without the shirt. i let him talk me into that too. soon i was undressed but we only sat in the grassy fields while he touched my skin softly and gently i made my way closer to him he kissed me all over. i let him. we woke up on a saturday i was on a field with him next to me still it felt almost as if i were in heaven nothing could go wrong. he woke up he had tired eyes he pulled out one of his cigarettes let me take a drag or two. it felt wrong all of it but so good. he let me smile for the rest of the day he said he liked my crooked smile made him want to laugh at me. i loved to smile now. we had naked bodies near eachother that was better than i thought. no one had to know. we went to the coffee shop downtown we had breakfast there then he saw damon his friend i got up to leave but he held me back told me to sit my ass down i was not going anywhere this time he was tired of having to hide who he loved. damon obviously was drunk. started to talk to his buddy he figured soemhting was up between us he continued and jason told him to stop before he said soemthing screwed up. he re minded jason in a very loud whisper before he went onto a seizure of laughter that he actually was dating me he did not think he would go with the dare. my eyes wide-eyed as i formed tears into them calling him names as those did to me told him to go away. its been two and a half years since he and i talked. now he is in my german class after three years its been a while. we don't even look at eachother but i guess i anger him. he is always in a fight with someone in class and i just look the other way. damon looks at me most of the time i sit in my quietly as the same girl you saw three years ago before jason and damon. quiet dull stupid but one thing i had on my side. i was. or was i ever a golden girl

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

journal six
tears weigh heavy on my eyelids. sore. red. eyelids. i felt weak betrayed nothing else was here. all i heard was the thumping of my heart full of guilt. beer bottles i drank cascaded into the throat that burned from sickness. clock ticked back and forth but nothing ever happned. my mama was angry with me. i had been wasting the bit of money we had on items not vital to anyone really. i borrowed twelve euros from my cousin (who never learned to shut up about buisness) so he told my mama i owed him twelve she became angered by what i had done became angered by me wanting to help another person who was in need. maybe helping people is not the best in the world. i always thought you were suppossed to feel better about yourself but me i felt like shit on the ground. i spent money ona charity, my brother and sister, little children i am sure i did not know whom they were. my papa told me to stop eating. my friends told me to stop. all i did was cry tears until i could not cry anymore until words were stuck in my voice box. maybe todays not the day but neither will tommorow theres too much going on and maybe i just lost my charm. but i feel as if i had drifted slowly away out sea leaving nehind what i had. i moved on from past mistakes im moving on and i want ot be stronger and i will. will i better off now. i can provide with the little i have to others because i knwo sooner or later it will come around. i also neevr cared much for having a boyfreind to hold me and kiss me and lay with me. i never had a reason to care. now all i am is a lost satelite rotatng the around. i am nothing i am no where near as good for the boys they have their own grading system that i happened ot fail. i threw up in the toilet before i could think about it twice. my stomach asked for it. then it told me to stop wanting so much. i did. i did stop but now im doing it for myself. i want this change to happen now. starvation will help me reach the top it will help me be better but im asking for you to help me. mama. please. papa. help me. sister. im leaving for now. brother. goodbye.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

journal five
i gasped for air in the lights narrow time lapse called night fall
maddie sat dipping her toes in the water from across the floor
i came about to figure she was not going to try it with me so i gave up.
naked bodies laid next to eachother wrapped in blankets soft as feathers
felt warm against our wet skins maddies stomach growled as well
i picked up a small flower to give to her so she coudl eat it then again
she knew not to eat it i was only twelve and no school edication has been
available for me.
maddie sat next to the door holding herself in a knot wound up around
she was watchingt he bugs crawl by making a marshmellow trail for them
they followed the orders she jsut st there then picked one up and let it dance about
her arm while she giggled at its movements as if it were funny i never thought so.
maddie had big almond eyes blue in color red hair pale skin freckles all about her face and shoulders i was quite the opposite from her i was darker had no freckles had crooked teeth had black eyes with no emotion short brown hair i looked like no one in particular she reminded me of stars for the oddest reason she always had that way of reminding me of the sky full with stars.
one night she went for a walk without me told me to calm down she would be back the hours passed i looked at the clock now it was one in the morning maddie never came home i never slept that night i felt to bad intuition something had happened i put on the first pieces of clothes i saw and walked out the front door to the lake we were at shes always there when we are apart.
horror filled my heart she was floating near the edge there was red waters everywhere
screams heard from around the grounds and forset shapes looked different they looked
uncaring forming shapeless forms of blobs youc all trees i felt dizzy she was gone from me.
crimson stains
her clothes gone off in another direction tape on her mouths and eyes she was dead
nothing but floating about i walked into the river having the need to drag her out by force
i was left to cry alone while she died a painful death she spit up blood air and water.
told me to be strong told me to be careful told me she only wanted to feel the cold wind
she told me lastly from her gasps of breaths she was in pain in pain she was as she whispered.
i loved dear sister.
journal four
i met a young girl at work today.
ice cream down her cheek staring with her eyes
cold blooded red rose cheeks skimpy eyes of blue
forgetting it is now autumn falls she wears shorts
with a jacket coral grey winds come and go she moves not
but a swift move from her chair her fire color hair followed.
she was interesting she haunted my dreams she slept under my bed
she slept with me and she ate with me who was she i miss her
i tended to think of her day in to nights where i would sit where
i met her once or twice some sort of deja vu we had together
here i laid wide-eyed at my ceiling hoping as to when i
would meet her again her freckles never left my mind
her eyes her colors of bright joys when the day looked
grim with poison eerie lakes with fogs i walked through every
forest but i never found her again now i am restless.
she was perfect.
i have dreamt of having a little girl like her she looked
to me with her frowning eyes and happy smiles but nothing
to remember her by i wish i knew who she was i called her
firebrace because of her hair and freckled skin i wish
i was her for one second of my eternal life i want to change.
one morning at the cafe i smelled of pumpkin cinnamon coffee
and a perfume so memorable i knew i was here before when i was younger
when i had whim in my step with long flowing black hair why do i come here
i see an elderly woman sitting at a desk writing note on a paper
quietly scribbling away at her desk while she consumed her self in thought.
dear Elisa,
i know you were the girl i saw many years ago i was nothing but a fifteen
year old girl you looked a year older you had a small camera on your lap
you stared at me for many minutes before i walked out on you i wish i knew
who knew who you were it bothered me to not know why i knew you so well
but i know who you are know your names are in magazines and billboards
i want to be you. will you take my memories for me.
i ran over to her after Reading the note the kind dishwasher boy had brought me who had blushed deeply from seeing me i was only but a twenty five year old woman
who worked with cameras i was finally know for something i was finally told
i was better than many of those children who compared me to nothing but a number
i was like a goddess and they looked to me for inspiration just as i have done
i was not a zero.
i took her memories for her one by one they came from my Polaroid
still frigid from the years i have had it for so many years ago when no one
knew who i was over even cared about the little Indian girl who sat
quietly looking for no love but one she had it her hands when she was out
she was now the one you could say
untouchable when she was alone with her one true love i was no longer known
for a number on a scale i am someone i am not insecure for once i was happily married
with my one true love who still up to this day
rest its body in my hands.

Friday, September 4, 2009

journal three
short breaths smooth lines long halls beep beep
the walls a jungle of flowers and leaves branches
peeling from the odor creeping through corners
sounds emitted from the white decor screams for breaths.
vapor escapes mouths mormons walk the halls pale
wheel chairs turned over on soiled floors of colors
blooded trails lead to the execution rooms down the hall
to your next right past the two big blue doors of crimson shapes
the only person making beds of an anoretic who died two days ago.
little girl with lukemia hanging herself on the ceiling of the lobby
mary janes falling off her feet flickering lights broken desks beep beep
papers of the patients lied flat some burned down to the ground with edges gone
sketchings on the back walls of doors and books and peoples back
one step behind i see little dresses of girls thrown about.
beep beep the fake water fall making sounds cshhk alooking at the bed
thought to myself. about who was here before me why did they die how
hospitals are a deathly places cold lurid peeling walls dead flowers in pots
blood trails. dark thoughts chilled breathes come out as if ones been locked in a freezer. csshhkkk says the water flick does the light beep still goes the heart rate until gone into a straight line of no railed thought.
hospitals are my only happy thoughts.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

journals two
the sun was stowed up on the cupboard's of the nightfall. sounds so sweet of birds in the haze, grass swishing, the white water creek that was turned to green after years of children throwing their trash into them. cap of mold formed onto the cold sedated rocks of grey. nothing but pure mornings and sounds. wonderful.
it was a windy day of cold breathes on back. the fan whirling as we all sat open legged at the foot of the on stomachs and shoulders we laid on. we were a tangle. now we are brothers and sisters. friends of pain. trying to survive on noting but air. flowers bloomed near the edge of the small house ( it was more of a run down barn shed) with wood floors that creaked when stepped on. or dust caught up in the sands of time. Lilly pushed me off the bed told me i could not share the bed. we were to many. Zach kicked me in the gut. called me names i tried to laugh about this but it was useless inside it hurt.
we had some bread and butter. thats it nothing else. we were down right poor. mother worked two non forgiving jobs while we laid in bed all day. i always wanted to be awake before the world i would sleep little just to live in the moment of every second of the world. i knew the lady who lived in the actual house she was nice i met her a couple summers ago she had skin so baby smooth i wanted to kiss it. her pale eyes in color. blind she was. taught me everything i know about worth living.
i walked around alone for the woods were dark and smelled wonderful especially at night the fan blared loud. i tried to get lilly to come. she refused told me i was being quite silly to walk around barefooted at night. i walked alone. the hush sound of crickets, dead birds, the muffled rivers, the walking of horses, dogs barking created equal love in me. i never walked this much alone.
i ran so fast out i had fallen from the rocks in front of me making me skin my toes how an animals fleshed at a butcher's home. it was good. good it was. tiny bumps of bugs against my dry skin felt wonderful. a bite of blood trickled own my already pale leg made it shine against my canvas of skin. cool as it felt it was not cold enough when smeared on my body to cool me. red. tainted rivers. now an euphoria of colors. a reverbetated voice from behind the trees. the blood being wiped through my veins. felt cooler now than before. i felt cold. not cold enough as the red ochre soil underneath the waters or the foot of my bed.
maybe blood waters is better to be in than those small ones with nothing at all. where the fishes live happily. not caring much. i was bit red. walking home after wiping my flesh art canvas clean. now i wrap my warm body into the pure worn out white sheets of fresh breaths of wetness. yellow and red. pee slid down zachs leg and i felt it hit me my leg stinged from where i was now healing wound. lilly never moved. smells came. i liked it. i feel safe. from much of harms way. mother never came home after tonight.
she hung her body high her head low. on our ceiling. of scattered chair oceans underneath her footing.