Friday, November 20, 2009

journal twentyeight

the winter is near. i spoke with a chill on my breath. simply i awoke cold with frostbite already holding on to my lips skinny skinned body. the lacy caps on my shoulders were swiftly pressed tightly by my small frail bone for hands. i looked at the window noticed that i had a small note left on the side of it. a text written sweetly: where are you now when the sun rises above the trees i saw you under. come forth with me so we can go away together i want to see you near the swings we played on when younger. hold your breath till the ends of time with me so we could die together. lets be those stupid young kids we were with peanut butter collapsing on our teeth lips. i miss you. i smiled to know he wrote me things that speak sweetly only from him him only. outside my window i saw the trees grew crooked this year. pale colors shown as the deer came to find their missed upon flesh of trees. i sat upon the bed watching the dust curl by the window sill i saw the bits of snow drop down. the temperature its dropping my dear sweet love. i put a mouthful of jacket around the wrists of my skinny arms tights of gold pixie dust around the legs that could disperse from nothing there at all small knit gloves on hands a small french hat sat on top of head in red color it shown. the wind it blows hard on the neck of mine the hair stood gently. i shiver deeply. underneath the tree i sit pouring water. i hear the voice of a boy who smiles gently with a wisp for hair. he hold my hands sweetly giving me a kiss upon my cheeks i watched him remove his sweater of grey hand it to me i shivered even though i told him he needed my jacket he refused he said he would be willing to bite with frost for me for i am his queen. i blushed so red rose he watches me hide my face in his body. we sat down on the cold wet ground to whisper secrets of love lustfilled nights of winds creak where the rivers flow towards the north instead of south. i asked him if he knew about trees he said why do you ask and i responded did you know they are people like us he looked at me petting my hair away from my face asked me explain love. i told him mama had said to me once when i was twelve i was a bad tree i was a crooked one. but like trees we can correct ourselves. a tree grew crooked all its life never changing for anything he led a life of misery death there was another tree next to him they were friends he did the same until one day he said i want to change i want tot be like the other beauties among me. he corrected himself soon he began to bear sweet apples of red apple blossoms fell from he tree each spring. he one day became more beautiful. his friend had become nothing but a stump. i told him humans we grow wrong but when we find someone r soemthing we change if we want to. we all have a chance to change. i looked back to see him smile at my thought. then im glad i found you. i said simply. i loved you either way. we ran to the small pathway behind his home. we ran far until neither one of us could then upon the chance we collapsed to watch the high tide of the oceans drops come collapse upon us.

Monday, November 16, 2009

journal twentyseven
i fell like i just fucked a pixie. this is fucking great i lost it with some whore at a bar. what am i supposed to tell maddie when i get home. shes so sweet she deserves better shit than me. the drive home was longer than usual i noticed i was in the driveway for half an hour. the lights to our small home were lit up in the kitchen. a girl watched me as i opened the door with her doe eyes. the looked big as usual she spoke in whispers with her back to me the moment i walked in. where have you been she asked i waited for you its now three in the morning. i missed you. im going to go to the guest room in case you want to bring her home. with that she left the room. i feel like a dumb ass.

im not very assertive. i sit back and let him fuck other girls because i refuse to fuck him. he needs to know im not gonna take my clothes off the second he asks me too. i never planned on this and we never spoke of it. i only know he does it. i laid in the dark freezing letting the moonlight be the spotlight to the dust that has been caught in place without motion the danced around my hands as i move my left hand into the light swatting at them. im a very careless person i loose things easily i lost my pet rabbit in the woods when i was ten because i was stupid and i still am. how the fuck does one loose a white rabbit on a leash its not normal. now im loosing the only boy i have been able to love for years in a constant base and not only that but i live with and cares for me to an extent. i want him to just promise im the only one for him and he can learn to wait. but thats asking too much already.

maybe i should go in there and apologize to her. maybe i should just sit here and hope she comes out. maybe i should go back to fucking the pixie she was actually pretty good. oh maddies coming out of the room. without a second i felt her crash into me. she felt so warm tiny simple. we laid in the woods floor for a few minutes until i asked her why the fuck she did that. then i felt something wet on my chest maddie was in tears. she seems dull in this plain lighting but shes so much more beautiful to me. i sat there holding her. she told me she wanted to loose it all with me told me how much she loved me how long we've been together how she wants to loose it all with me right here and now. i hope she knows i love her back juts as much and i will not make her regret it. i loved her so much. yet look at her with that guy... i hope he hurts her. i hope he hurts her in ways i could not. one day shes gonna come crying back to me and im not gonna take her back or i will but im going to fuck her than walk away while shes asleep.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

journal twentysix
in the background. i hear the music playing his piano gently touched sensual sounds come unspoken and undone. it sings its tunes so emotionally tears want to stream like rivers but they stay put. asleep laid a tiny girl. she awakes from the sounds being played. the house filled with halls rooms secret corridors. she follows the sounds to the west wing watching from behind a the gold crested walls. the tall boy stops to turn their eyes met once only to have him stand to move towards her. extended his arms to her. they collided like wind does with water to form something beautiful. he was a tall scrawny black roughed hair boy she was prim proper freckled girl. both beautiful in their own way. they were different he asked her to sit she did as though she had been told by the people who had brought her here. he laid his cold finger tips against her arms following them down to place them on her hands. he asked her. if she ever played music before. she nodded the rested her head against the pianos walls she asked him to play her something gentle. as he did the music came out note by note until he had hit the seventh moment in to play a rougher tune as dramatic as the sounds of winds gliding across the grass fields that surrounded his home. he was the child of the school teacher. the girl looked up to notice his hands shake his head suddenly turn to a man not to different from him. come forth into the sunlit room that we had sat in. the room was lit by the suns warm rays running past the windows skin yet we were cold pale creatures wrapped in blankets of dense aires. asked him to go the room of dance. moving to the door there was a slight pause in time for just that moment he turns to see the young girl still laying her head against the piano smiles turns leaves her there. her body densely wrapped in black suits of thin for shoulders straps white coloress tights small shoes wrapped her feet pink in color. she played a tune of her own as she waited for the boy to come but he never did. she still waited until dusk had risen from its slumber. tears streamed down her cheek bones for face pale grey eyes met blue. the girl moved away from him asked why he never came back after he had gone for so long. he replied with only a mere apology whispered into the corridor as it echoed. the thin boy walked to meet her hand as it left the room. told her to stay. he asked if she'd dance with him. she turns to only stare at the rooms quiet lustless filled dull shine. he returns to his piano to sit. he begins to play asks her to dance with him. she begins her dance around the room with pianos playing the deep tunes so slowly to hear someone so dark cold lovely play such deeply known tunes from the heart was an honour to dance to. the music had stopped for only mere minutes for the boy had turned to stare at her closely their bodies only inches away moving to the moonlit widowed wood floor they sat closely. she mentions she was cold tired hungry he only kissed her face along the cheeks bones to follow to her lips gently. nights like these he said he i would miss you most i watched you walk these halls of my home but we never spoke why. his arms tightened around her body he laid his head against her hair. she spoke words simply of dance to her explanation around the truth. they stood in silence the dust had followed to cover the area they had been in like snow dusted against the outside. she turns to mention why he never spoke to her he only looked down upon her. i was scared to know you would not love me the way i do you your words so sweet hand landed upon my ears they frightened me to know you were nothing like me i only wish to please you but your the perfect essence of flowers that only hung so beautifully form the ceilings dancers of dust who gently would sit upon perfect boys. im still scared to hold you now but i love you to let you go. would you say you love me. she let the words of her own linger for a bit until the clock stroke one. she had mentioned she had been cold tired once more laid upon his chest the arms who had wrapped her took her through the quiet creaked halls up the wood railed stairs. to the musics wing. gave her a bed of his. laid her softly kissed her goodnight as he let her sleep he laid next to her. to keep her warm. morning had sunk in he had watched her awake with the sunrise her grey eyes gently flutter open still he laid closer he went until his words spoke i made sure you were safe warm untired will you love me like i do you. the sound of silence was unbearable her mouth opened only to speak of small fragile words. there were things i wish to have said to you of love you brought to my ears with your sad words we never spoke i wished to only think you would love me the way you do. i want to be the one who makes you happy let me lay still here with you until the time pulls me away like ocean tides from the sands of shores. i loved you the way you love me now we can be lets stay like this forever more. the door is knocked upon lightly. a woman walks in to mention 'tea time' the time felt slowly passed. i wish to never have this moment be forgotten. i recall it everyday i dance i hear pianos play. the claps are sounded. the curtains close. a tall scrawny black rough haired blue eyed boy stands to kiss the tiny pale freckled grey eyed girl. as roses were tossed upon the stage he picked up the red roses to hand her one with the same cold hands.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

journal twentyfive
two ten am is the moment i began to sleep with my eyes half open so i never missed a moment in time. i wanted to be sure i could see the glow in the dark stars i pasted on the ceiling. when i was ten i began buying stars these were not the most extravagant stars but they meant more to me than to anyone else. on the first star i began to write in small letters: hope is taking a ticket your number twelve thousand one hundred and twenty two. then the second star i wrote: my real father and mother never loved me thats why i ran away. then the third star would mention: i have a heavy weighed the kings and queens when their words were nothing but small choke holds in the kingdom. learn to let go. and so on. every night before i went to bed i wrote a new one then one day one of them fell onto the ground. it was star number one thirty seven on it was: the picture of my sister and brother and me. text written above them: we were our own family till our reigns fell. i looked back upon the others i had none others fell but this one this one wanted out. i think it was about that time they forgot about me. about us. the next day i picked up my pen to write before bed time and the worlds that became tacked on were: i forgot which way to home. i felt lost beyond explanation. the next night on star number three hundred and six i wrote: goodbye to all my wishes and hopes of dreams the history books forgot about us. then with that i took all the stars down all of them fell i spent hours on the floor crying to the stars i had written in a plastic bag they went pictures and all. into a box i burnt them all. the ashes i held were put into an empty jam jar i had written on the words: love's money the money i was going to use to buy my hearts home back. i set it upon my desk painted the ceiling with words the walls covered in pictures writings photos. i pour the bleach on the walls watch the the photos turn to a blur of colors. all of me. i wanted to erase my self. then repainted the walls all in one night. no one knew. then i waited for the windiest day to come by a storm. it was near. i ran to my room ran through the corn fields to the broken barns roof. opened the jar then my mouth spoke. 'now set us free' the jar tipped out of my dainty bone hands plummeted to the ground with a loud crash. the words are now gone no recollection no photos no secrets but much silence after the winds winds crashed the rain began i laid on the roof holding onto a balloon on it was spoken out: i will meet you half way but you have to be willing to go the part you promised. letting it go it flew off into the sky. as i sat there i waved goodbye. god never promised he would forgive me but he promised he would still protect me. i walked home alone that night. sitting upon my bed chills ran through the stomachs empty pits. something stung me deep for the bedsheets had been stained crimson bleach from the left leg's knee down to the foot of me. i laid there quietly not moving then a tear roamed freely fell upon my pillowcase decided it was tired and fell asleep.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

journal twenty three
my eyelids fall short from their slumber hearts weight become weary. hands lay silently still. my heart cannot take much more of this. my father he beat me. he beat me until i was a raw in color with red blotches dripping their way down like a river flows gently. stringed in pain one lays there. the pearless necklace rolled off under the bed. only a few minutes ago had i been dressed in mamas finest clothes makeup to the best of my ability. papa walked in to see me touching them. now im here wet with fear sticky crimson pure tears walked upon my dense skin. the sky looked blacker than normal it looked like a pit of a hole that once in you cannot find your way out where if you were to have spoken you would see and feel your words around your body sensing your moves with emotions. i don't think i can take this anymore i wanted to run away to juts hide for a while. im not having a very wonderful saints day.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

journal twenty two

you told me we could run away together. i waited for your call near the window as you had asked me too. you never came the mornings wind fallen crisp air of painted colors stacked neatly on the shelves of orange blue purple red pink. i had left the suitcases ready at the back end of the house. i waited purely to fascinate myself with thoughts of you until then i sat. it was not long until i heard footsteps near the door of my bedroom i jumped to the bed wrapping the inch of my body's cradled by the sheets the footsteps got closer to me. my mother had looked down upon my face of porcelain dotted with small freckles of delight. my eyes were shut tightly until she left. the books i had read with you lied around the beds edges. i waited but you never came. the night fall had come sooner than i would think but now. i am in search of a home of that with you. where did you go alone. i miss your being here. come home to me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

another cold dry rainy day. gotta love the weather seriously i do does anyone else love days like this its a lazy type of day the cars don't sound and you let life wither you away to nothing

Monday, October 26, 2009

journal twenty

these lakes hold something of a memory. of lace beings with wings so delicate they glide on water. we had a small cabin up in the hilltops of the woods the air there is so crisp fogged to the point of extinction of ones sight. mama always made dinners on the small natural grill we made years ago. the entrance seemed dulled from what i recall. i had a small memory flash it was going to be the last i had of him for years. my brother he had lukemia. he was only ten i recall. on a day much like this one. we had just come home from the hospital a couple days before coming to the cabin for the weekend. mother and father kept us away from people who might bring harm to keep us pure we were brought up in cabins as a family thing. i can never say i got tired of it. one summer we had been coming into the cabin he had mentioned he was not feeling so good. papa thought it was his excuse not to help out we all laughed at him. hours later we noticed he had not come down for dinner even after told to. i went up to check on him he was on the floor ina puddle of blood coughed up onto the hard wood stained floors. i screamed in the horrendous way for i was feeling guilty for his death. i never relaly quite recovered now thinking back on it i still feel guilt i feel sadness grow in my cold tired eyes. walking past the kitchens stupid decorated stair case wall. the winds sweet caressing the house's body. the one person cemetery we had laid about with timmy's body underground. i wept for quite sometime. i placed a blanket above the ground over his grave i wanted him to know i still cared for him. i placed his bowl of oats out for him to get. the wind knocked it over on its side. i apologized to him. cut the winds hand. i kissed the ground gently told him he was going to be alright and i was going to be here.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

journal nineteen
it's cold this morning. he leaned in to give me a small kiss on the forehead. i don't know why the room got colder the bed felt un-welcoming his arms around me felt wrong his hot breathe on my neck was not the same as before it was frigid as if mere words could not say it already. he never loved me he used me over and over and over. the saddest part is i knew this and still kept coming back to him i cried on his bare shoulder's skin. it rained was raining i had mimicked the skies flow onto myself because it was what i needed to do. cleanse my body of him free my soul from him. he never loved me. he used me every fucking time. i never knew what it was like to truly fall in love with someone you knew never would love me back unless sex was involved. he kept touching pushing holding pressures build and i must break down. i won't let my heart down again. removing oneself is the first step. i gave up trying i needed to get up walk away go home. he would not let go. i tried to get him to let me go he slapped me asked me if i was being stupid he always loved me. i began to cry though the words i had let slip i told him i did not love him the room had car's light crossing a top our naked bodies against the wall the heat came from home which was not here. i had to leave this lonely place. the sheets that held us together were warm to the touch but cold to wrap oneself in. the scent left on them was unbearable. i pushed away harder this time. tried to be stronger this time. letting me go pushed onto the table i knocked over a lamp his radio our picture our trust is now gone. i clothed myself leaving through the back door i heard him come. i ran to the outskirts of his homes land even then i kept running through the high ways of the city. cars honked at me calling me names making fun. i had been so tired. i walked for three hours in cold with out a jacket. funny the place i found first was Bucharest the city i had found him in there was a corner we had first met i had spilled my coffee onto him he dripped so much in the store i apologized he said he never met a girl as adorable as me. i fell in love with him then and there we met everyday in the mornings. i frowned upon the thought but my heart was not frowning. i walked in to sit int he same old chair we used to sit. i touched the chairs smooth oaken brace the cushions were greener than i recall the place drenched in his scent. the same people walked by over over over the same frowns one hold when the weather is down. i had to leave this town he's been all over me this town this home of mine i have to leave. i had been so tired i wanted to sleep. looking around a box laid alone. sleep was meant well when a stranger had come back to pick at it. i slept near the trash cans covered in a sweater ripped jeans black ballet flats. i blew cold breathed airs onto the canvas sky. i never knew how it was like to be homeless. unloved for uncared for lonely without him i cried onto the black still bags. i begged to die. i cried myself to sleep. then a warm body laid next to mine i did not even bother to look back. i felt them wrap their arms around me push their head into my hair. he came back. he knew i was here how.why. i turned to look at his face he had tears streamed down those same blue eyes i fell in love with had tears streamed down cascading onto his lips as he spoke. i hushed him held him close as i could. you never know how to fall in love until you see one cry themselves into love. you never know what its like until you look at a boy who is oblivious to you until the day he remembered our place. our home was not there. it was here where we had first met. i felt loved. this place his scent this town watching us sleep still together. this is home. this is love. i'll love you as long as you remember. just don't forget...please

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

journal eighteen
i am raw beauty in the essence. for i do not sleep i do not eat i only mimic what the world has asked of me. mother always had this air to her the kind you find around those of a queen when they walk their gardens out in the moonlit paths of morning lilies hung loosely from their veins of weeping willows tightened from their stringed roots. she was the one i called mother. she was what i saw as beauty. i am the one she bore when she was quiet young i had nothing of hers i had none of her faults she had many. i only wish to own them to say i knew her well but we never spoke to each other. only though photographs she is long gone now. as i live on the outskirts of my imagery in the lack of color the disbelief of time. tick tock tick tock the clocks are calling me out from my sleep. nightmares of faces i do not know women in gowns so delicately hung from their bodies of white color of pure color. sunken raccoon eyes awake me from my deep slumber as i am handed a small mirror. looking upon it i see no face just a weeping girl she looked quite like me. he eyes were black underneath her face round lips like rough rocks along shore lines of soft deep yellow sand blue eyes dulled down to that of a pair of worn down skies. i weeped for quite sometime dropping the mirror to fall like leaves do in the calm autumn springs i hear so much of but have never seen. tears lash down mirrors break with no sounds words come in bold letters on walls of gray. small trickles of crimson cascades down my palms as i push them onto my forehead with light smokeless breathes try to forget i moan hold your tongue let these pains be your punishment let the world fun of you. drops aside i hear them fall in such quite rooms as i lay on the cold washed down wood floors. i am not raw beauty. i am ugly straight down to my core. make me forget make us believe that we have something special about ourselves even though it is a figment of our imaginations a pigment of color regretful words that only coil onto our hearts that in these days are held together with glass seams that fall apart when touched upon. i can never be like mother even though in reality she was just as lifeless just as structureless. the difference is only that when spoken upon she reflected what she was given she hid no shame in others eyes. she deceived me. mother one day i will grow on your faults.

Monday, October 19, 2009

journal seventeen
the night had been colder than most. walking home from work i enjoyed the most. the snow covered lightly upon the sidewalks on top of cars on the tips of trees the roofs. i pulled out a cigarette from my pocket. tried to light it with gloved hands. i stopped by a small out house that had a stench so thick it made me choke on the dead air particles. i lit and walked on. the horizon lights were beautiful tonight the colors blended well the bokeh caused reminded me that of a camera. my cheeks stained themselves rose i could see my breathe in the air when i blew like smoke from a chimney rusty color the charcoal feel to the stones on the inner lids. i sat down for while blowing into the palms of my gloved hands the scarf around my neck froze with touches of the tense feel from the air. this is where me and papa used to come to. until he died. he had an accident with another car. mama walked out on me she never cared about me to begin with. papa he cared he always hugged me kissed me goodnight good morning. he always knew how to make me feel better with one word. i miss him i only wish god would not have taken him away from me. sometimes i flick god off just so he knows how i feel about his fucked up bullshit game. i live with a foster care family. they are nice people i ran away tonight im getting out of this town it has to much i can not will not hold onto any longer. my cheeks burned from the cold my bag sat along the stone wall i had laid myself upon. papa always told me he wanted to see me graduate i promised him i would but i lost hope i don't belong here papa would have been disappointed. i had been under construction with my emotions. the snow began to fall slowly dancing its way onto its bed. i blew into the air. making puff balls i used to tell papa i was a dragon i had fire breathe when i grew older i said i was a smoker he would always correct me as that was wrong. i used to be held onto when the winter carnival was here for a two days before leaving i would ride the ferris wheel. then there it was i heard the music all over again the moments the creaks taps squeaks. i wanted to smile again. i sat there in the silence i could hear the wind making brush noises on the winter wool jacket i had on. my long hair had got caught in the winds playfulness. i cried when i lit the cigarette making me drop it. i yelled i kicked i cursed i asked god why me why does this bullshit happen to me. our hearts are made in glass cages it makes us vulnerable to harm we might act like we are all strong we all lie. i would imagine its all bullshit. the reason i cry is because i am loosing this battle. i lost. i want to forget. i burned the notes i had made all four hundred and fifty seven of them their ashes i let roam free for all to see. they were what made me un-pure what made me feel the guilt i did i let them go. i should have said to him what i wanted him to remember the reason he had the accident was my fault. all of it was. if i had only been there we could have died together. instead i was smoking in the back alley we had. if only i had told him how much i loved him. i went to his grave a few days ago to tell him how much i loved him. thinking back on these i went the other way back to town before hand i took the cigarette packs out of my bag threw them down the bridges water fall into the river. waved goodbye walked. papa im going to change for you. im sorry.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

journal sixteen
i looked at the clock midnight fuck. i did not sleep once last night. i vomit though. i felt crawls upside in me it would not go away. then it went to my arms legs back to my stomach face. i began to scratch myself until i almost bled hit my head again the door drank cough medicine scratched some more hung upside down from the edges of my bed. i could not take this anymore. either i was going to kill myself or i will beat the shit out of my dog that was laying on the bed next to me. why i had no fucking idea. withdrawal is incredibly painful. i stood put on the royal blue winter jacket walked down the stairs slipped through the door letting it click behind me. i found myself smoking cigarettes down the road i don't give a shit anymore. i smoked at least two cigarettes until i got over to his house. the boy was a not-so-happy-emo boy his name was hyden. had blonde streak in his raven black hair some cut lines weak tiny boy then again i was a tiny girl. i called him he always answers the phone with 'what the fuck' because i always had to come late at night. he never complained once he came down and saw me. he leaned up against the doors frame. from between his lips came smoke a smirk lit up his face. i walked up to the door with the same look on my face. he threw his cigarette down.
'your back thought you said you were out'
'i changed my mind'
'mmm you got the crawls didn't you'
'possibly just shut up and come here'
we started to just make out against the door made tons of noise. i don't know how his parents did not hear us. we played a bit of games there in the end we ended up walking to his bedroom in the basement. we had sex all night i got a pretty good deal though he gave me what i wanted drugs. i was 'happy' none the less. the moans slipped my lips every once in a while hyden kept going i just had to keep up these days. we laid down together for a good long time. he had me all wrapped up in his arms the blankets kept us warm. he kissed my hair. then pushed my head up gently. kissing my lips instead. gentler than earlier. i moaned on accident. hyden pulled out his cigarette began to attempt to make rings curving his lips into the form the letter 'o' with smoke although he failed. i just took drags from his. i laid on his chest watching his movements. he noticed me watching. i blushed deep red. secretly i had a crush on him but i would never dare tell him he gives me drugs thats it i give him sex. nothing more. he blew into the air the last bit of smoke he had left. i kissed his chest. he pulled me up some more so i was face to face with him. he sucked on my neck roughly. then kissed my jaw line. pulled my face down to meet his kissed me. i felt shivers. he softly put me aside then he hugged me tighter. i felt in such good hands with him. he made sure i was warm. we fell asleep like this. that morning i woke up to notice he was not there. instead he was playing games on his couch. i walked over wearing his blanket. i was looking quite dull im sure but i was not feeling to well. he saw how red my cheeks were told me to sit next to him. he gave me a cigarette to join him. i refused. instead he gave me the drugs. we talked a bit. then he let me dress myself. he helped. sort of. it took longer than expected with two people. he never held my hand before. sometimes we learn to trust what we think others will find unexplainable. we learn to love those who sometimes are not the best but we love them none the less. his mother saw us but she did not say a word. i felt horrible. instead of going home he kissed my forehead on his porch and i began to cry. i was tired i was guilty i was dirty. and even though he made me feel this way i always came back for more. i loved him. i noticed the only reason i even started was because he had asked me to join him. now i wanted out but it was too late.autumn arrived lonely this year i felt sorry for it and cried over that thought as well. its a vicious circle. one day im not going to wake up. but it won't matter cause im going to keep going round round round and round this loop until until i let my brain do the talking it won't work out that way. im just waiting for the right moment. that won't come

Saturday, October 10, 2009

journal fifteen
tomorrows mama 's birthday. she always seemed to be in a state of euphoria i loved mama just for that.
'mama what do you want for your birthday?'
'anything really i have all i really need now.'
'but i think you deserve more'
'i only want to see your happiness nothing more'

then this silence came into the room. it slowly creeps up cold and tense. the old wood room began to squeak. th window's tree began to tap against the sill. the moon shone onto the bed traveled up my mama's spine to show her face at the top.
'mama are your sad'
'no i'm not go to bed'
'no i want to know why your sad'
'please go to bed dear'

i tried to sleep while i let the wire fan wind hit my cheeks that stained of tears. i could not sleep mama was not well i could tell. she needed to be well or i won't be well. i heard cries from the downstairs kitchen we had. that came from the vintage era. i wanted to know what was wrong she and my papa were all i had these days. i sat upon the rugged stairs with my head peaking out through the handle bars.mama had tears running down her rosey cheeks and papa was holding her still. the cried together. then i began to cry too.
'i did not know i was going to live any longer. i thought i was going to die. Anna needs me more than anything. cancer of the skin could have killed me.' all she did was shake.
'sweetie its alright now let's just never tell her. shes too young and we should just be happy your going to stay with us longer. we both love you.'
'i feel guilty she would have never known.'

i ran in quickly into the kitchen. teddy ran behind me too. and i jumped up onto the chair and asked to be pulled up.
'mama i love you don't go please don't'
then we all cried into eachother. for quite some time we were happy. its all that mattered.

its been five years. now im lying next to her grave wearing the blackest charcoal jacket i had black tights black mary janes black lace dress gloved hands. a book laid next to me. i slept next to that grave for hours. i felt the same winds roll around me as to keep warm. the trees looked quit dull this year they were striped naked because the deers had come to eat. the skies looked gloomier this autumn. i talked to her like she was there i laid down the flowers. kissed her cold body tombstone. engraved was her name. then i sat quietly. the dusty gates creaked open people walked in to see their own dead. and all i said to her before leaving.
'i wish we could have gone together. i miss you mama. come home please.' i stood and wiped my tears away 'but papa he needs me. he needs you. i love you sweet dreams mama'
i pulled out a small photo. 'happy birthday mama'

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

journal fourteen
i held myself while you were gone to keep me warm. i miss your kisses your small touches. come home come back here to where i am still waiting for you.


we fell asleep in each others dreams.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

journal thireen
im sorry. im going to let my tears run.
im forgiven. because i have given in.
im alone. only because i choose ot say so.
im left behind. all because i asked to not be picked up.
im dirty. but i know it won't change anymore.
im talented. because i practiced too hard to back out.

i won't be the last one standing. i know so.
i won't have the strength to keep going. so what.
i won't be able. i need you to be there.
i won't hold a heavy heart. there was no point.
i won't see you. only because i had lost faith in your reality.
i won't reach goals. ima failure people told me so.

i will take your hand. i know your going to help me out.
i will forive others. mama taught me to do so.
i will trancend. papa told me i am the star of this show.
i will remind myself that you are now gone but i can make this.
i will remain clean. only becuase i know its what you taught me i should do.
i will love. you forever and always because you both taught me this so well.

i can do this. i only need short breathes before moving.
i can be free. whereever there is a light spirited wind to carry me.
i can hold onto nothing. because i know your going to think about it later and want it back.
i can grow older. i wont die for stupid reasons i can go on for you and only you.
i can see. the world or what it truly is an inspiring ground for one to roam open minded.
i can. i can do this because you have taught me well about this world i can make it through alone.
but you you never let me go.

thank you

Saturday, October 3, 2009

journal twelve
i never knew what it was like to love. how it felt to kiss someone. i never knew how i felt from the start. the autumn had come late this year. i did not mind though. as long as i was able to walk through the foggy morning of thanksgiving breaks from school the sleepless nights on the gravel in tents where the wind playful hand would scoop up the sides in a game of pushes and tugs when the trees lost their youth only to be left with old ages when the roads had jackets hats with gloves walking around the small town we had. i only enjoyed the autumn because it was the only time i really truly saw my mama and papa. i never seen them so happy full of life. yet im the one sitting in the room alone. cold. sad. maybe i had outgrown eating candy corn by he fireplace. yet when no one was around i would take the same old teddy bear with the same old songs playing in the background with the same old blanket and the same old bucket of candy corn only to reminisce about the young years. i never slept well since i was a child. i always spent the days reading books of nothing in particular. the books i would read usually were picture books of family albums. i always said 'im not the one whos going to get hurt' but those nights i was pained with many delicate sugar coated thoughts. i would always set up the pictures of my mama and papa around the fireplace then i would include me in the middle. take a picture with my Polaroids safely hide them in the box i hand underneath my bed. then i would remove myself and only leave them. take another. save it for later. it's been three years since i last saw them. three years since i talked to them both. i never really knew why i left to begin with. i just did. now the only one being hurt over and over and over again it is not me. it's not them. its 'I'. but mama papa one day those letters i hide everyday underneath the dead turtle shell your going to find. see what i wanted to say to you. see what we all did together on those nights by the fireplace while we all slept. farewell good night sweet dreams sleep tight don't let those midnight bugs bite.

Friday, October 2, 2009

journal eleven
i never reallya sked why the sky was blue. why the grass grew green. why my mama never really loved me. why my papa beat me. i just took it. i knew it was true the way things were. tonight was going to be alright for me. when sitting upon the wondow sill the clouds looked so peaceful. the sky reminded me of the daylight sunsets without the sun. the moon looked beautifully calm to me. kisses upon my cheek of rosey red color came from the wind who creeped along side the open curtains. that when touched had rough lace with soft colors of pink. wishing for things to be this way forever but forever is never going to happen. sometimes i wanted to question the possibilities of life but i saw no point it as i would only get it taken back into my throat's voice box. my nose turned rosey red. the leaves turned old crusty and colored them selves rust. the creeks of the house muttered and turned in its restless i began to drift for the bed sheets. paper cranes hung delicately from the top of my ceiling each in the pure color of white. for every mistake i made that had altered my life i would change take one down and make another one in the color of black and in white letters i would inscribe what i had done wrong to never forget what i had done so wrong. then if i can fix it i would take the black one down and make a new one white again. only to remind myself i still have hope of something good inside me. this morning came too crisp too thin the fog had created a crease in the surrounding areas it's deeply cold shivers followed down the road. did i mention the cemetery next door. i don't think i did. but it not important its only that someone i knew a long time ago had died of leukemia. my mama's friend. she had been struggling with it for years. i never put mind to it but one day as i was sitting next to her i had began to walk around the room (so carelessly that one bird remains black for the rest of my life) the cord to her breathing supply had been near the floor. i guess i was fine to see what was to happen next. the cord had been near the foot of the bed i only stood to stare at her pale skin. the clocks ticking noise was bothersome. i hated analog clocks as much as i hated analog cameras. then as i backed away i had stepped on the cord unplugging it from the wall. thats when she gasped for air Like the fishes do when they are near death. she screamed in silence calling out to me to help her breathe again. and i walked out. she died that night after they had tried to help her keep breathing. its nights like these where the nights had never felt colder. the one black bird that i make to set upon her grave next door. i wrote the same message on each one. "death is a hollow goodbye. but the devil will remain to sleep by your side." with that i took the breathe so calm continued to walk down the path of gravel and rich red dirt. rosey red cheeks gloved hands jacket body wool hat. the leaves looked mighty fine this year. the same ones i saw the night before. then a smirk arose upon my lips. the small thought of sweet dreams. farewell. goodnight.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

well just wanted to share with thos ehwo blog more even though i have like seven followers who already know of me and my photos else where
journal ten
i guess. if i were to have died no one would care why would they even look twice for me. they won't. i sat perched on the roof top while i waited for the sun to come up drenched in blankets of azure color moments like these i would live for. fog drifted making not but a hush sound of noises so sweet. the cricket played their ending songs while winds clapped their bedtime symphony. hot chocolate dripped upon my lips. voices so sweet called upon me 'little girl little girl what is your name'. i stopped to think with the look of uncertainty i gave not but a small reply before the silence 'leslie....i guess' i looked down upon the cup with marshmellows sinking like those of ships at sea. nose dripping i wiped away its tears of the cold. cheeks tinted those of a rose so delicatly sweet. i lacked color in sight. with the wind there to keep me cold i let the blankets roll off. the sunset hit many things right. with a grand entrance of holiday cheers it rose up from down under with colors of yellow orange pink purple explosions of bombs going off in the far air. rush of blood to the head i had begun to feel small drips on the back of the ribbon like hair golden brown. tuffs of leaves covered me. sweaters of black color sleeves longer than i cold hold to. down the dreams i had fell. into the rabbits hole. masks covered the lights. my heart broke at their seems. then with a reply of 'little girl little girl your going to sleep heavy with very much sweet dreams' blood dripped from lips. lovely delicate laced bones tied together wrapped in leaves with veins showing in every which way. then a reply so small only her thoughts would here it 'i could have now died happily' a smile crept upon her face as the fog began the dispersments without monologue of words. howled. kicked. held the small dense thoughts together in the small scrapbook. bound by tree's limbs the old worn houses wooden logs. the dead birds bones scripted the words while the black cats purred to sit along next to her while she slept alone.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

journal nine
mmm no one ever thinks about the autumn the way i do. its a time to be with family friends. i laid on the cold grass leaves we had sat on our yard. the smells of cinnamon turkey bread dragged on as if it were a cigarettes smoke coming to become inhaled though the nose and sighed out the mouth. my golden hair spread its arms out to catch the moments along i had been wanting to. a red jacket crossed my mind. a red head long to the waist bone thin frame freckles on face doe eyed girl. who was she i wondered. i saw her imitate me from her sea of leaves colored orange yellow brown. that made sounds so loud it was heard around the world. she smiled waving her bone hands in my direction. she was beautiful. the day must end to begin anew so my mama said. i walked to my room and have not come out since. laying still on the flower crested comforters. my boots rested across my wall jacket hung black in color. my head hurt. the sink began its words of wisdom to me. drip.drop.drop.drop.drip. i was cold. freezer cold. the beds creeked softly. the winds pushed the house ina game of tag. i wrapped my hands against my thick body. pale. paler than normal. i think im sick. i figured. the silence dosent consume my every thought nor does death of grave yards thick with fog. for i found that my only friend had been silence all along i was scared to be alone for the fear of listening to my own self thoughts for the fear of thinking for someone else. for the fears of having been alone all my life. the tv bares its sounds as i sat in the basement. the wood stock is full. the shoe boxes of threads were full. the book shelf is full of nothing new. and i am full of nothing. i am a full glass i am the glass whos optimism has gone emptied. i am the one listening to pearls fall to the floor to the sink tell me stories of thinder storms it has been in. then the tears i had begin to flow. holding onto nothing was surely somehting or i would not be crying for the one thing i needed the most it was truly nothing.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

journal eight
shit happens.people die. its inevitable plus no one ever [really] cares. my best friends mother died from leukemia she cried and wanted me for support but like i said shit happens she cried and cried at the funeral but i looked on into the skyline. the autumn's lurid trees coming down onto us the leaves of many years fell onto the ground around us. musicians played with gloved hands in black from heads to toes. i stood a drift from the crowd weeping not one tear. of course i made my respects to the dead but not an ounce of sympathy was found. i wore my black lace dress black lace tights with tree like limbs to go around my legs black mary jane heels that dug into the ground i wore a black petticoat jacket to make sure i was warm with happy less sorrows. of course as the music played the people weeped i left walking endlessly showing not one emotion. i moved away slowly as if i wanted to say something but i couldn't. autumn was always the best time to die. its cold out i can see my breathe in the air. death doesn't scare me as i am no longer scared to live either. when one remembers its easy to live you learn death is nothing but a matter of words on the air with tense tongues. this was my first and last visit for comfort. i had focused eyes on the horizon as i left through the unkempt gates of more black paint. the path i followed out was one i saw in a movie once when theres a nostalgic feel when the leaves continue to fall off the ones on the ground make wonderful scenery when they see their old lives in front of them and their new one behind them. just know theres only you and one guy who knows what your thoughts are. you the devil and i.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

journal seven
cold so cold. breathes. short breathes. golden girls walk passing my body leaving behind scents of grace and love. sitting across a table alone he was staring at them but not me. i looked at his face without thought. i felt caught in my thought as i always did. my skin tingled when i felt something on my back. of course i always get secret messages to get told when to keep in line by the girls around me. i will never be as thin or as pretty as them, I'm going to be the bizarre girl you saw twelve years ago who wore bandages of tan on her knees all the time (well most of the time). i had big round deep brown eyes glossy black hair crooked smiles much laughter little to compete for. the ochre colored soil along with grass smooth as newly sanded walls. as warm as sun that hit my skin making me burn with sun cancer at all times i was a free child. i had a bit of a hippie compartment to myself. small things intrigued me little treasure trucks at the boutiques small cameras i had seen in department stores. now i have tired dull brown eyes damaged hair no smile small set backs i let take over my life as of today. i work and work for something but i know I'm talentless. i wish to be those golden girls from when i was four. nowadays when they want to say something to me about me they let me know with pieces of paper notes that fall onto my back like snow. all saying another thing about me. i was the one who was shoved into lockers left to count the minutes left in my own filth until i had warm tears coming down something wet down my legs. smelling of urine when i stepped out. i was only a mere ten year old girl. soon i was called a names. then we decided to move from my home my faith my memories stayed when i left i have nothing today. i met a boy in Sunday school. when he first saw me i had given up on appearance all i wore were baggy sweatshirts headbands long jeans only blue jeans. he asked me for my number. i ignored him tried not to smile i knew i would only get hurt he told me his name was Jason. he had red hair he had the same crooked smile i had he wore nothing different in particular like i did. i never told him my name a virgin girl mentioned my name was leslie he said i had a beautiful. i did not believe him every sunday he would be there never missing a day. he always tried to talk to me i always ignored him im guessing it only made him want to speak to me more. i decided maybe i could say something. instead i sat away from the group i was with. the same girls golden they were untouchable by girls like me. jason the same blue eyes boy walked over to me and opened a chair for me he acted like a jerk when he did so but i sat next to him none the less he seemed funny he still wanted my number but i never gave it to him then one day i wanted to talk to him again but i never did. he had a friend names damon who told me he had a present from jason. there was a card and flowers red ones i loved roses. i took them home and left them on my desk to rot while i left the note unopened. i cried for most of the night. i just wanted to fit in. now im getting lied to from boys who don't love me like. a couple days after i read the note tears came to my eyes once more. lies. cheats.stupidity all came to mind when opened i was kidding myself. i was not a golden girl i was touchable i could be reached and surpassed in many ways i only listened to the stories told by his writing. i told my friends how stupid he was but everyday he would take the same route to class to see me he would wink at me to make me blush he would whisper things to me from a seat away. then i read the note once more.
your one of the only girls i can look at who has eyes as beautiful as yours remind me of the oceans when i look into them its wonderful. your something i cannot get out of my head i want to be with you and i want to see you more and more i talked to your friends but i guess they don't want me to be with you. but i love you let me love you please give me a chance its all i ask of you.
your the reason i want to even go to school because i know i might see you there.
lies. all of it was bullshit. i let him talk me into it after the new season had come for winter i let him talk me into being with him. i still felt uncomfortable the way he touched me talked to me he had me wrapped in his arms but only in secret spots only we knew about no one else would know he promised me. we would kiss and fall onto the ground to look at the sky together i loved him. one night he and i laid next to eachother all i could think was maybe i was touchable again. i felt powerful i was golden. with him thats what he made me. i kissed him with fits of giggles in between he chased me half way down the park telling me to stop hiding from him i jumped on his back making him topple over i giggled my ruffle top came undone from behind i asked him to lace my bow back up. he did not touch it he sat there staring at my loose shirt. i asked him once more and he said he preferred me without the shirt. i let him talk me into that too. soon i was undressed but we only sat in the grassy fields while he touched my skin softly and gently i made my way closer to him he kissed me all over. i let him. we woke up on a saturday i was on a field with him next to me still it felt almost as if i were in heaven nothing could go wrong. he woke up he had tired eyes he pulled out one of his cigarettes let me take a drag or two. it felt wrong all of it but so good. he let me smile for the rest of the day he said he liked my crooked smile made him want to laugh at me. i loved to smile now. we had naked bodies near eachother that was better than i thought. no one had to know. we went to the coffee shop downtown we had breakfast there then he saw damon his friend i got up to leave but he held me back told me to sit my ass down i was not going anywhere this time he was tired of having to hide who he loved. damon obviously was drunk. started to talk to his buddy he figured soemhting was up between us he continued and jason told him to stop before he said soemthing screwed up. he re minded jason in a very loud whisper before he went onto a seizure of laughter that he actually was dating me he did not think he would go with the dare. my eyes wide-eyed as i formed tears into them calling him names as those did to me told him to go away. its been two and a half years since he and i talked. now he is in my german class after three years its been a while. we don't even look at eachother but i guess i anger him. he is always in a fight with someone in class and i just look the other way. damon looks at me most of the time i sit in my quietly as the same girl you saw three years ago before jason and damon. quiet dull stupid but one thing i had on my side. i was. or was i ever a golden girl

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

journal six
tears weigh heavy on my eyelids. sore. red. eyelids. i felt weak betrayed nothing else was here. all i heard was the thumping of my heart full of guilt. beer bottles i drank cascaded into the throat that burned from sickness. clock ticked back and forth but nothing ever happned. my mama was angry with me. i had been wasting the bit of money we had on items not vital to anyone really. i borrowed twelve euros from my cousin (who never learned to shut up about buisness) so he told my mama i owed him twelve she became angered by what i had done became angered by me wanting to help another person who was in need. maybe helping people is not the best in the world. i always thought you were suppossed to feel better about yourself but me i felt like shit on the ground. i spent money ona charity, my brother and sister, little children i am sure i did not know whom they were. my papa told me to stop eating. my friends told me to stop. all i did was cry tears until i could not cry anymore until words were stuck in my voice box. maybe todays not the day but neither will tommorow theres too much going on and maybe i just lost my charm. but i feel as if i had drifted slowly away out sea leaving nehind what i had. i moved on from past mistakes im moving on and i want ot be stronger and i will. will i better off now. i can provide with the little i have to others because i knwo sooner or later it will come around. i also neevr cared much for having a boyfreind to hold me and kiss me and lay with me. i never had a reason to care. now all i am is a lost satelite rotatng the around. i am nothing i am no where near as good for the boys they have their own grading system that i happened ot fail. i threw up in the toilet before i could think about it twice. my stomach asked for it. then it told me to stop wanting so much. i did. i did stop but now im doing it for myself. i want this change to happen now. starvation will help me reach the top it will help me be better but im asking for you to help me. mama. please. papa. help me. sister. im leaving for now. brother. goodbye.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

journal five
i gasped for air in the lights narrow time lapse called night fall
maddie sat dipping her toes in the water from across the floor
i came about to figure she was not going to try it with me so i gave up.
naked bodies laid next to eachother wrapped in blankets soft as feathers
felt warm against our wet skins maddies stomach growled as well
i picked up a small flower to give to her so she coudl eat it then again
she knew not to eat it i was only twelve and no school edication has been
available for me.
maddie sat next to the door holding herself in a knot wound up around
she was watchingt he bugs crawl by making a marshmellow trail for them
they followed the orders she jsut st there then picked one up and let it dance about
her arm while she giggled at its movements as if it were funny i never thought so.
maddie had big almond eyes blue in color red hair pale skin freckles all about her face and shoulders i was quite the opposite from her i was darker had no freckles had crooked teeth had black eyes with no emotion short brown hair i looked like no one in particular she reminded me of stars for the oddest reason she always had that way of reminding me of the sky full with stars.
one night she went for a walk without me told me to calm down she would be back the hours passed i looked at the clock now it was one in the morning maddie never came home i never slept that night i felt to bad intuition something had happened i put on the first pieces of clothes i saw and walked out the front door to the lake we were at shes always there when we are apart.
horror filled my heart she was floating near the edge there was red waters everywhere
screams heard from around the grounds and forset shapes looked different they looked
uncaring forming shapeless forms of blobs youc all trees i felt dizzy she was gone from me.
crimson stains
her clothes gone off in another direction tape on her mouths and eyes she was dead
nothing but floating about i walked into the river having the need to drag her out by force
i was left to cry alone while she died a painful death she spit up blood air and water.
told me to be strong told me to be careful told me she only wanted to feel the cold wind
she told me lastly from her gasps of breaths she was in pain in pain she was as she whispered.
i loved dear sister.
journal four
i met a young girl at work today.
ice cream down her cheek staring with her eyes
cold blooded red rose cheeks skimpy eyes of blue
forgetting it is now autumn falls she wears shorts
with a jacket coral grey winds come and go she moves not
but a swift move from her chair her fire color hair followed.
she was interesting she haunted my dreams she slept under my bed
she slept with me and she ate with me who was she i miss her
i tended to think of her day in to nights where i would sit where
i met her once or twice some sort of deja vu we had together
here i laid wide-eyed at my ceiling hoping as to when i
would meet her again her freckles never left my mind
her eyes her colors of bright joys when the day looked
grim with poison eerie lakes with fogs i walked through every
forest but i never found her again now i am restless.
she was perfect.
i have dreamt of having a little girl like her she looked
to me with her frowning eyes and happy smiles but nothing
to remember her by i wish i knew who she was i called her
firebrace because of her hair and freckled skin i wish
i was her for one second of my eternal life i want to change.
one morning at the cafe i smelled of pumpkin cinnamon coffee
and a perfume so memorable i knew i was here before when i was younger
when i had whim in my step with long flowing black hair why do i come here
i see an elderly woman sitting at a desk writing note on a paper
quietly scribbling away at her desk while she consumed her self in thought.
dear Elisa,
i know you were the girl i saw many years ago i was nothing but a fifteen
year old girl you looked a year older you had a small camera on your lap
you stared at me for many minutes before i walked out on you i wish i knew
who knew who you were it bothered me to not know why i knew you so well
but i know who you are know your names are in magazines and billboards
i want to be you. will you take my memories for me.
i ran over to her after Reading the note the kind dishwasher boy had brought me who had blushed deeply from seeing me i was only but a twenty five year old woman
who worked with cameras i was finally know for something i was finally told
i was better than many of those children who compared me to nothing but a number
i was like a goddess and they looked to me for inspiration just as i have done
i was not a zero.
i took her memories for her one by one they came from my Polaroid
still frigid from the years i have had it for so many years ago when no one
knew who i was over even cared about the little Indian girl who sat
quietly looking for no love but one she had it her hands when she was out
she was now the one you could say
untouchable when she was alone with her one true love i was no longer known
for a number on a scale i am someone i am not insecure for once i was happily married
with my one true love who still up to this day
rest its body in my hands.

Friday, September 4, 2009

journal three
short breaths smooth lines long halls beep beep
the walls a jungle of flowers and leaves branches
peeling from the odor creeping through corners
sounds emitted from the white decor screams for breaths.
vapor escapes mouths mormons walk the halls pale
wheel chairs turned over on soiled floors of colors
blooded trails lead to the execution rooms down the hall
to your next right past the two big blue doors of crimson shapes
the only person making beds of an anoretic who died two days ago.
little girl with lukemia hanging herself on the ceiling of the lobby
mary janes falling off her feet flickering lights broken desks beep beep
papers of the patients lied flat some burned down to the ground with edges gone
sketchings on the back walls of doors and books and peoples back
one step behind i see little dresses of girls thrown about.
beep beep the fake water fall making sounds cshhk alooking at the bed
thought to myself. about who was here before me why did they die how
hospitals are a deathly places cold lurid peeling walls dead flowers in pots
blood trails. dark thoughts chilled breathes come out as if ones been locked in a freezer. csshhkkk says the water flick does the light beep still goes the heart rate until gone into a straight line of no railed thought.
hospitals are my only happy thoughts.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

journals two
the sun was stowed up on the cupboard's of the nightfall. sounds so sweet of birds in the haze, grass swishing, the white water creek that was turned to green after years of children throwing their trash into them. cap of mold formed onto the cold sedated rocks of grey. nothing but pure mornings and sounds. wonderful.
it was a windy day of cold breathes on back. the fan whirling as we all sat open legged at the foot of the on stomachs and shoulders we laid on. we were a tangle. now we are brothers and sisters. friends of pain. trying to survive on noting but air. flowers bloomed near the edge of the small house ( it was more of a run down barn shed) with wood floors that creaked when stepped on. or dust caught up in the sands of time. Lilly pushed me off the bed told me i could not share the bed. we were to many. Zach kicked me in the gut. called me names i tried to laugh about this but it was useless inside it hurt.
we had some bread and butter. thats it nothing else. we were down right poor. mother worked two non forgiving jobs while we laid in bed all day. i always wanted to be awake before the world i would sleep little just to live in the moment of every second of the world. i knew the lady who lived in the actual house she was nice i met her a couple summers ago she had skin so baby smooth i wanted to kiss it. her pale eyes in color. blind she was. taught me everything i know about worth living.
i walked around alone for the woods were dark and smelled wonderful especially at night the fan blared loud. i tried to get lilly to come. she refused told me i was being quite silly to walk around barefooted at night. i walked alone. the hush sound of crickets, dead birds, the muffled rivers, the walking of horses, dogs barking created equal love in me. i never walked this much alone.
i ran so fast out i had fallen from the rocks in front of me making me skin my toes how an animals fleshed at a butcher's home. it was good. good it was. tiny bumps of bugs against my dry skin felt wonderful. a bite of blood trickled own my already pale leg made it shine against my canvas of skin. cool as it felt it was not cold enough when smeared on my body to cool me. red. tainted rivers. now an euphoria of colors. a reverbetated voice from behind the trees. the blood being wiped through my veins. felt cooler now than before. i felt cold. not cold enough as the red ochre soil underneath the waters or the foot of my bed.
maybe blood waters is better to be in than those small ones with nothing at all. where the fishes live happily. not caring much. i was bit red. walking home after wiping my flesh art canvas clean. now i wrap my warm body into the pure worn out white sheets of fresh breaths of wetness. yellow and red. pee slid down zachs leg and i felt it hit me my leg stinged from where i was now healing wound. lilly never moved. smells came. i liked it. i feel safe. from much of harms way. mother never came home after tonight.
she hung her body high her head low. on our ceiling. of scattered chair oceans underneath her footing.

Monday, August 31, 2009

journals one
See me and Alex were really close a couple months back until we hit high school then it got to the point it was just we would see each other say “hey” and move on no problem. Then Alex wanted to get close again talking about how we never really talked anymore all I could say was I know thats it. Now we were real close now we were dating. But when we dated it felt weird but safe. Like how a baby bird feels when he's trying to fly and his mama is right behind him. One night we sat outside doing nothing in particular. Told me he wanted to show me something behind the shed there were bones of small animals and he picked one up told me it was for me told me to put it up to my ear so I can hear the thoughts of the animal who died and the sound of nothing in particular. I listened to him and his bull shit like I actually cared and I did, I did care. Next night he had me laying on his bed wearing nothing but his shirt and undergarments. Stroking me like I was some kind of pet I liked that. He told me he had been so stressed and I looked down at myself flat and an ugly color of brown. Nothing to really want. He read my mind told me I reminded him of desert sand filled with small sand crystals that sparkled no matter if the sun was out. I liked that. I started to feel bad for him feeling so stressed all the time I just did not know what he could want. All I could do was kiss him and tell him it was going to be alright he's going to make it out of this town. But I guess he wanted something more. He made love to me under the bright moonlit bed he had. Wrapping every inch of my body with his cascading scent. I don't see what he would want with a girl like me who had dull black hair with dark brown eyes like moon rocks, flat and boring in color. He was pale tall blond gray eyed boy. Two nights later told me he did not want to be with me anymore I cried hard enough for him I'm sure he heard me from across town. Called me and told me he was stressed and needed me. I knew what he wanted all I had to do was give in. we were sex buddies thats it nothing else. I was so ashamed to tell anyone but Alex kept me safe so it was okay. Then it got to the point where he needed it no matter what. one night he became angered by my actions not wanting to do this anymore. He would push me up against a wall suck on my neck like a hungry bear does in the bee hive. Slap me. Then bruise me to remind me of the night the next morning. I laid on the wood floor for hours on end spitting up cum and air. He just laid there keeping one arm around me. I wanted to cry but I knew that would only bring more pain. No use in trying to hide it. So I cried into him. Then he told me some of his other buddies needed some sex too. I was a slut of many sorts. I met a boy named Andi in my classroom of biology he was studying anthropology but said it bored him I would laugh at what he would say. He asked me out a couple days later Andi never questioned my reasons for being away for so long all he knew was I always looked grim after I came home. So he asked me but tried to not push me into telling him. Then one night I told him and he became scared for me. He said he wanted to beat the fuck out of them. I tried to hold him back he calmed down. In the halls he would always glare at Alex and his friends. One night he comes to his apartment I'm on the couch reading a book about sisters and how they never seem to stay together for too long. He had blood stains on his shirt and some cuts on his fore arm I asked him what he did he said some business he needed to attend to. I became frightened for him. I loved Andi but it was not his battle to fight and he knew he had put me in more danger I'm sure but mostly himself. That night I told him I had a nightmare after I awoke from heavy panting sweat on my body. Andi laid next to me not moving I gently made my way to the door closing it with a hush sound. Walking late at night wearing nothing but Andi's football jacket and my skinny jeans. The cold fall wind caressing my hair with its grace. I had pulled out a cigarette to calm me down I walked to the corner. But my hands were trembling I wanted to scream I wanted to tell the world how I felt I wanted to tell Alex. Making my lips into an o-shape trying to make round smoke circles I failed each time. The nights tree's looked lurid compared to day trees. Hearing some noises behind the bushes I became frightened moved closer to the apartment door. Alex stepped out with Jake. I tried to get away but I ended up having to scream but it was no use. I was hopeless. The night became pitch black. Drip drop. Drip drop. Blind. I could not see. I felt a pain go through me my arms were bruised and cut badly I had blood rings around my wrists, and ankles I was raped by them both again. I remember there being tears and screams. Fights with faults. I was stuck here. Memories came back. Into my hand cum and air all over again.

Friday, August 21, 2009

born into brothels

one of those sad movies you see and i think its amazing that zana came into show them to see the world through a lens. the little children in prostitution lines makes me want to cry from how upset i have gotten watching it. i don't think i could see kids like this and not help them. i always wanted to help those children. they have hopes and dreams just like us but no they don't get that chance. one girl said sometimes she wonders what her life would be like if she lived somewhere else how she could become something of herself. then they would get told by other adulets calling them b---h, c--t, f--kers. i mean how do they live like this i don't know i always valued soemthing of those women and children who lived in places soo dirty but try to make the best of it. the children when zna came in started to teach them how to use the camera gave them classes an outlet. its in indian sooo i hope you can read english well so you can understand the subs in there. im soo happy zana is helping these kids giving them something to show others through what they see that many don't. its sad though so brace yourself i cried for the sadder parts. like one kid was chained to the post of a window or soemthing if some of those mothers or sister would have not saved the younger ones in families that are girls their father don't even care and they would SELL their own daughter f--k thats gross! one day i hope those kids get soemthing to make of themselves theyd eserve to be somewhere better : (

just watch it if you get a chance its amazing and sad to see things that go on that we never get a chance to see all the time.

im not good at little biographies and shiz so just trust me its good!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

it rained today.
i went outside wearing nothing but my underwear and a long shirt. that had a smile on it. it took me the longest time to find some pants after walking so much i put on striped shorts with white socks on feet.
it poured so hard i had no idea what i was doing. i had some pills in the small pocket it had thinking maybe i can go now. but i sat in the middle of the road instead. no cars came they were all alseep.
i fell asleep on the wet ground of gravel on my driveway. something bit me i had blood on my legs memories flooded back. pain, then the tears came softly after joining the cries of euphoria i had calling out to hell to come and get me if that's what they want just make it stop.
i think i slept with the devil because now i feel unforgiving to myself. i don't want anything from anyone. i don't want to live. i don't want these memories. i don't want to be me. our cars are stashed up in their cupboards under their freshly painted walls surrounding them. must be nice to feel fresh.
mama saw me on the ground we had to clean up my wounds. she asked me and i said nothing in return. i started to cry and mama hugged me closer trying to make my pains go away. papa stood at the door frame holding his head down trying to think. i think i went insane.
couple months ago i went insane as i could took all the markers i had made stories on my walls. made pictures, lists, wishes, imaginary friends. all because i wanted to get across my point. no one ever heard me unless i spoke up right and when i did i was told to hold my tongue. now i have carvings on my walls that i made. i still have marker drawn all over. i covered it up with white pure paint because i couldn't stand to see it anymore. everyones seen it. they think i need help.
now i am here looking at the lust less glow in the dark stars i pasted on my ceiling. they don't glow anymore i painted over them. i wrote a wish on the back of all 100 of them i know no one will ever read them. but i know its something i can know is there. maybe those messages i carved into trees were just a dumb idea. but i needed to get something out. needed a way.
now I'm tired feeling dumber than dumb and holding onto something i know i should let go. white socks are hanging from a line on my small tree in the front yard i know they won't dry if it rains anymore, but i never want them to because all the wetness they have remind me of my old memories. i want them to be this way forever. whenever it rains i am always out there recalling for 'us' she, he, and I. all of us i won't forget i refuse to be the one who forgets. it just hurts.
white socks are living memories to me.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

you never know what being a kid is until your walking 3 miles from home in white socks
with your vodka in hand. laughing like a mad man. looking up into the sky to catch snowflakes on your warm tonugue. of chocking on air with a fit of hysteria wind blown hair .
how can you not remember about 'us'?
how did she forget? how could she? she and i promised we would be together forever now shes gone my one and only sister is gone into a new home. shes not coming back this time i know she won't. Anne i miss you come home please i want to be sisters again like when we roamed in our little white socks looking for frogs to catch and kiss to make into princes for us to be able to live our dreams. don't you remember?
'Anne when you leave will you remember me?'
'how can i not Corinah your my sister of course I'm going to visit you and mama and papa'
'how old will you be?'
'i don't know maybe twelve?'
'oh that's a long time right?'
'i think so'
she forgot about me and shes not coming back
shes not going to come back i miss her mama make her come back
she forgot how we used to hide under the covers when we had to share secrets.
how we shared cake faces each birthday we had.
when i cried she used to always be the one there
now she left me and she snot coming back she has her new home what did i do wrong and i think i cannot go on alone.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

thinsg that remind me of you

sitting at a type writer listening to the clicks underneath my bones for hands
looking out through my window staring at the sky but the stars never showed once
the moon was out of my radar all that was is covered in darkness of dusty drapes, and dresses and pictures and pearl necklaces that had no lust underneath their chains.

walking down those hillsides we used to when we were younger
sitting in our secret place i set the paper in a small nook in the tree
looking down i saw many messages on every one those were us

maybe one day this letter i wrote to you through heavy teared eyes
you will own but guessing your never going to come back for me
just remember i never ran away from you i only left to start a new chapter what could have been

our life..

Friday, August 14, 2009

im back to my old self

i am now goignto do only self portraits and exclusive people who i will ask to model for me or maybe i never will maybe i want to do things on my own thats why i ordered my new self remote and im ordering my lenses as well but i can say that those pictures are mine and i can be proud of them in every way im glad about it

Sunday, August 9, 2009

actions to use C:

just credit when used and link back to my DA account pigswearties and send me a linakge here or there [i prefer there but this is good too]

Monday, August 3, 2009

white rice made in china

i traveled long nights and old mornings, with the smell of saltwater tree's streaming in my nose. i moved closer to the brown dirt sailed with water and picked the rice leaves. i let streams of sweat come down my back and face, but smiled all the same.

someone turned to annouce our break time. a little boy fair skin matching that of the skies white clouds. held out their hand whispering to me give this letter to my mama and papa for im about to die. i turned to see if i knew his parents only to note he was gone, i held his letter close to my heart his words echoing still. the rice pack i held dropped from the strings. as rice was scattered among the grounds and the bushes.

the little pieces fell gently into the sky creating their formations like rice in the dry land's grass sky.....

Thursday, July 30, 2009

for them

dear mama. i find myself awake at 4:32 am full of wishes to be more like you
dear mama. i want you to love me, not ashamed of my faults
dear papa. i find myself hoping you don't judge my choices
dear papa. i always put the trash in the sink even after you tell me not to,
dear mama,papa. i never tell you enough but i love you both

Monday, July 27, 2009

i'll kiss you between the ears : D

im feeling it im feeling it coming back and i think im going ot do it right now.

im going to haf my time when i explaode with asomness into my pictures

im going to visit anne tommorow be excited! thie means new pictures with her tommorow!

yayay! im sooo glad! since we havent seen eachother in ages! an so hopefully we can take photos

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep." robert frost

so anyways i think its bed time im goign to be getting my braces in so maybe i will smile in my pictures ahah well actualy im getitng spacers forst and THEN braces!

btw i now take pictures for money sooo if anyone wants soemthing taken for them please let me know and i haf pricings as well very cheap : D

Thursday, July 23, 2009

mermaids are all around

these are beautiful creatures. i sometimes wonder if i can ever be as beautiful as they are. as graceful as they are but when it all comes down too it i know i will never be better than them. i'm a monster in the mirror and those ponds i sometimes walk by them and look into them and all i see is a faceless monster with nothing to hold me back from death. feeling a chilly wind as i hold my black trench against my spineless body. imagining that this place im standing on is really a hillside near the oceans edge from atop i will jump to my death and have myself lie under for im no mermaid. im a nothing with out grace and beauty. they are such harmless creatures who live among us. but we hide the thought of it. i take in an ocean breeze and i will whisper quietly to them my darkest secrets hoping someone will save me. but no one ever does. i write small notes on trees truck in the oceans forest near by and hope someone sees them. no one ever answers them. mermaids can lure anyone with a single stare. but not me. for i am no mermaid just a harmless creature lost at sea.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

i'm not in a place where i can talk to you

rain rain go away! come becak again soon today : D

lol me and my frined got rained out

she refused t take pics int eh watery deaths of the rain lol

well i was scared for my camera haha thats when plastic baggies come

into an awsomness of a play lol i love plastic baggies tehy rocks!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

everything went down

"because even if i know your lying i still know your telling the truth."- unknown
im glad so many cared but you know something

im not a model i dont try to be so its freedom

given to me to not be perfect ALL the time

i have started doing things i think arent good

but i think its what i would want i have turned over

to the "dark side" im not kidding some know what i mean

i can't stop its hard ot once you started its ongoing

i think i dont need ot be perfect and look perfect and NEED perfection

but thats what photos are for to show the unperfect things

things that were ugly and make it inot somehting wonderful

and thas what i try soemtimes not being beautiful and THE perfect look

everytime. i think that the most imperfect way of looking perfect is perfection

well i know this is confuzzling... i am now back and ready to go with camera

in hand and my imperfect star's in the other now lets hear it for an imperfect self

Thursday, July 2, 2009

What Can Keep Us Together

It's beautiful. DNA keeps us all together, did you know that? Even when we're not related it does. This world is made up of DNA; we all are. I think too much. I know that. But what do you do when you have so much time on your hands?
It's two thirty-two a.m. I'm wide-eyed and awake, sitting on my couch. My Mama and Papa are asleep upstairs. All I hear are the creaks of this house, breaking at the slightest sound of wind, the dripping of the sink, and even the sound of leaves falling off the plants in my house. Your head - its a lonely place, and I like that. I like that.
The sun is sleeping, and the moon is awake; darkness. Charming. I think about how I miss my sister who has life filled with misery. Our “mother” put her on disability for money. Its simple; to her money is more than a daughter's love. She lost one, me. Now she wants to lose the other. I think about how she will never go to college because they think she's dumb, idiosyncratic, untalented. I know she's not any of that she doesn't deserve what she's getting if anything I should be. I went crazy. I cracked under the pressure, wrote on my walls about death, how I would die, who would kill me, when I would kill myself. I'm never good enough to my “Mom” or to my Mama. See when I was younger my real mom, the one whom I no longer call mother left me and so did my real dad. I now reside alongside my Grandmama and Grandpapa who I call Mama and Papa, they raised me they deserve the credit as to whom I would call parents. My sister resides with Joan, my mother. I don't care what happens to her and Cory, my father. I never call them mama or papa. They've always been Joan and Cory to me. And they're going to stay that way for a while now. I also think about how my brother will be off, will he be alright? In all cases he has had a better life than me or my sister, Anne. He has had his shares of belts too, but they never seem to be as bad as me or Anne.
Once when I was little, Cory, he came home angry and he thought it was okay to just kick me until I bruised. No I am not bleeding out of my nose. I was five, Joan was Busy with my brother. Me being the middle child never helped when he came along. I was jealous of him; of course I wanted to be the one carried. "I was five, that's enough to hold on your hand," I would always say. When someone would ask how old I am, I would respond, “Five, 'cause thats how many fingers you can hold.” People thought it was funny. But at this time, being funny was not cutting it. I sat on the floor crying I wanted to be him for that split moment. Cory walked in as I sat on the floor crying so hard I thought my vocal cords would explode. He told me to shut up I continued on, persisting, vigilance. Then he exploded on me. He kicked me so hard, I fell on my back holding my left leg in such pain, I cried more. He kicked me more, telling me to shut up. Joan did nothing. She left me to be beaten by him. I of course stood only to topple over in pain. Hiding in my own world, pain shocked through my veins, blood rushing to fill in the spots that were hurt. Heartbeats joined in tune, making symphony of my pain. I laid there until he left. Soon Anne walked over after the fight, she had left to not be beaten herself for saying anything. I don't blame her.
“Elise, are you okay?” She knelt down beside me. I never moved only laid there.
“Come on I will help you up.” She took hold of me and picked me up slowly. We went to our room we shared. I was not angry. I was not fuming in rage that she did not put an end to my struggle. We cared for each other. That was how it was.
“It hurts,” I stared to cry. Anne handed me my stuffed pig I dearly loved. She stayed with me for the longest time. Until soon I was asleep. I awoke to her sitting on the edge of my bed. With the remote in her hand. I moved to get up.
“Are you better Elise?” She handed me a sandwich. I nodded in return. My pain had died down, now it was matter of healing.
“What does the clock say?” I asked softly.
“Three, in the afternoon. You had been sleeping nearly all day.”
“Oh, h- how does it look?”
Confused she said nothing.
“What, do you mean outside?”
I pointed to myself.
“You have bump on your left leg and its cut a bit open so you bled little on the bed, I won't tell papa that you bled on the sheets. . . or mama.”
Its funny how she took care of me all the time. I was five and she was ten. I felt bad because she was worried about me. I was the one always in need of the help. Not her.
“Where's Papa?” I could barley speak from not using my voice for so long.
“Working, but here eat something. While I get clean sheets.” She must have read my mind. “mama left for town she will be back before papa gets home.” I nodded in return.
But it's not over yet. I had been beaten so badly that not only on my leg was rocketing in pain, but all over my body. My muscles ached. It's a miracle he never hit my face. It's a miracle. I had tried to eat the lunch my sister made, but I ended up throwing it back up. My stomach, we noticed, had bruises; and I had cuts on my arms and on my sides. I had smaller cuts from his shoes. One larger bruise going up my side on my right, was purple, black, and blue in color. The blood on my cuts was crusted. The one on my leg I looked down. Seeing it, some new blood had dribbled out.
And for once in my life, I wish I were those drops of blood. I wish I could escape with just a little rip in my flesh.
The sheets had blotches of blood, and the area underneath my legs resting place was puddled. Anne came back with the sheet, but when she saw my vomit she went and got a mop and mopped up first. I was happy to have a sister like Anne. My brother was with mama like always. She Carried me over to her bed and let me sit there until she had my bed done for me. Then she moved me back to my pig's with wings bead spread.
“Anne, I'm hungry,” I told her, my voice shaking, groggy, hurt, unaltered from yesterday.
She looked at me.
“I don't know what to give you that will not make you sick again.” She thought for a moment. “Maybe some yogurt won't hurt you. . . .” She left the room.
“Anne, I wanna watch Barney and Friends.” I stated as she returned into our room, handing me the yogurt. And for the first time since yesterday, I saw a smile creeping on her face. She looked down at my blood stained sheets and the back up at me.
“Okay, what channel?” she replied finally.
“The Barney channel!”
“I don't know it though.” She looked at the Television Guide on her desktop. Going to channel one hundred and five.
We sat there watching it. I sang along to all the songs because I had seen this episode before. She laughed along as she tried to sing to the last song they sing on every episode. That day was perfect. I was happier than I could imagine. I looked down at my leg. She had bandaged the place up.
“I wanna play a game!” I announced after the show was done.
“What do you want to play then?” She inquired.
“I-spy!” It was my favorite game next to hide-and-seek, but I could not really seek or hide. We played until she recalled she had to finish the laundry, she carried piggy and I back outside to where the laundry was and set me on the swing. She looked exhausted, yet she continued to take care of me, and do anything else. I was five but I already saw much more than most five-year-olds did. I knew what the world was hiding in the blackened boxes of lives. The gate creaked open. We both looked up to cascade of leaves.
Fall had arrived early this year.
It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

dancing in the sorrows

i danced in the clouds sorrowful song pour i danced and drinked its words
but nothing ever happened...

then i ran in circles while my head went in its own perpetual motion
but then the thoughts never came out...

rain dripped down my face, wind dried my skin's tears, and sky angered lighted the sky
but i never had a chance to even die...

headlights back forth back forth. running in front of them with blurred views running my mind
but i never went blind not even with lies...

laughing, crying, sitting , standing, breaking, building, falling, slipping, holding, leaving
but it never repeated it stayed there without the change...

one thing is storm stories never stay they sway and leave and come back with a new story
they tell something to us. we just have to listen like it listens to us...

Monday, June 22, 2009

come and see my hands

bones cracked on skin bruised
hair laid on street grass floors
wrists bruised and pained
memories scattered on wood paths

awakend a raccon eyed girl looked into the puddle
her black umbrella tumbled down next to her
black water, dirt filled, full of sorrows, emotions
pulling out her arms from underneath her black coat.

come and see her hands see pale hands painted like a canvas
bruised and burned soaked and churned of memories
pain and scars paint her hands like a canvas in the sky
crows come to see her pain awaiting her death to pick at

bones found underground next to the puddle that never dried
umbrella bones found on the side of the puddles pathway
urban decay of bones and leaves and umbrellas and crows
black coats, umbrellas, boots, feathers of memories scattered

her bruised laced hands tied to her past to the attic's ceiling...