Tuesday, November 3, 2009

journal twentyfive
two ten am is the moment i began to sleep with my eyes half open so i never missed a moment in time. i wanted to be sure i could see the glow in the dark stars i pasted on the ceiling. when i was ten i began buying stars these were not the most extravagant stars but they meant more to me than to anyone else. on the first star i began to write in small letters: hope is taking a ticket your number twelve thousand one hundred and twenty two. then the second star i wrote: my real father and mother never loved me thats why i ran away. then the third star would mention: i have a heavy weighed the kings and queens when their words were nothing but small choke holds in the kingdom. learn to let go. and so on. every night before i went to bed i wrote a new one then one day one of them fell onto the ground. it was star number one thirty seven on it was: the picture of my sister and brother and me. text written above them: we were our own family till our reigns fell. i looked back upon the others i had none others fell but this one this one wanted out. i think it was about that time they forgot about me. about us. the next day i picked up my pen to write before bed time and the worlds that became tacked on were: i forgot which way to home. i felt lost beyond explanation. the next night on star number three hundred and six i wrote: goodbye to all my wishes and hopes of dreams the history books forgot about us. then with that i took all the stars down all of them fell i spent hours on the floor crying to the stars i had written in a plastic bag they went pictures and all. into a box i burnt them all. the ashes i held were put into an empty jam jar i had written on the words: love's money the money i was going to use to buy my hearts home back. i set it upon my desk painted the ceiling with words the walls covered in pictures writings photos. i pour the bleach on the walls watch the the photos turn to a blur of colors. all of me. i wanted to erase my self. then repainted the walls all in one night. no one knew. then i waited for the windiest day to come by a storm. it was near. i ran to my room ran through the corn fields to the broken barns roof. opened the jar then my mouth spoke. 'now set us free' the jar tipped out of my dainty bone hands plummeted to the ground with a loud crash. the words are now gone no recollection no photos no secrets but much silence after the winds winds crashed the rain began i laid on the roof holding onto a balloon on it was spoken out: i will meet you half way but you have to be willing to go the part you promised. letting it go it flew off into the sky. as i sat there i waved goodbye. god never promised he would forgive me but he promised he would still protect me. i walked home alone that night. sitting upon my bed chills ran through the stomachs empty pits. something stung me deep for the bedsheets had been stained crimson bleach from the left leg's knee down to the foot of me. i laid there quietly not moving then a tear roamed freely fell upon my pillowcase decided it was tired and fell asleep.

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