Monday, November 16, 2009

journal twentyseven
i fell like i just fucked a pixie. this is fucking great i lost it with some whore at a bar. what am i supposed to tell maddie when i get home. shes so sweet she deserves better shit than me. the drive home was longer than usual i noticed i was in the driveway for half an hour. the lights to our small home were lit up in the kitchen. a girl watched me as i opened the door with her doe eyes. the looked big as usual she spoke in whispers with her back to me the moment i walked in. where have you been she asked i waited for you its now three in the morning. i missed you. im going to go to the guest room in case you want to bring her home. with that she left the room. i feel like a dumb ass.

im not very assertive. i sit back and let him fuck other girls because i refuse to fuck him. he needs to know im not gonna take my clothes off the second he asks me too. i never planned on this and we never spoke of it. i only know he does it. i laid in the dark freezing letting the moonlight be the spotlight to the dust that has been caught in place without motion the danced around my hands as i move my left hand into the light swatting at them. im a very careless person i loose things easily i lost my pet rabbit in the woods when i was ten because i was stupid and i still am. how the fuck does one loose a white rabbit on a leash its not normal. now im loosing the only boy i have been able to love for years in a constant base and not only that but i live with and cares for me to an extent. i want him to just promise im the only one for him and he can learn to wait. but thats asking too much already.

maybe i should go in there and apologize to her. maybe i should just sit here and hope she comes out. maybe i should go back to fucking the pixie she was actually pretty good. oh maddies coming out of the room. without a second i felt her crash into me. she felt so warm tiny simple. we laid in the woods floor for a few minutes until i asked her why the fuck she did that. then i felt something wet on my chest maddie was in tears. she seems dull in this plain lighting but shes so much more beautiful to me. i sat there holding her. she told me she wanted to loose it all with me told me how much she loved me how long we've been together how she wants to loose it all with me right here and now. i hope she knows i love her back juts as much and i will not make her regret it. i loved her so much. yet look at her with that guy... i hope he hurts her. i hope he hurts her in ways i could not. one day shes gonna come crying back to me and im not gonna take her back or i will but im going to fuck her than walk away while shes asleep.

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