Wednesday, September 9, 2009

journal six
tears weigh heavy on my eyelids. sore. red. eyelids. i felt weak betrayed nothing else was here. all i heard was the thumping of my heart full of guilt. beer bottles i drank cascaded into the throat that burned from sickness. clock ticked back and forth but nothing ever happned. my mama was angry with me. i had been wasting the bit of money we had on items not vital to anyone really. i borrowed twelve euros from my cousin (who never learned to shut up about buisness) so he told my mama i owed him twelve she became angered by what i had done became angered by me wanting to help another person who was in need. maybe helping people is not the best in the world. i always thought you were suppossed to feel better about yourself but me i felt like shit on the ground. i spent money ona charity, my brother and sister, little children i am sure i did not know whom they were. my papa told me to stop eating. my friends told me to stop. all i did was cry tears until i could not cry anymore until words were stuck in my voice box. maybe todays not the day but neither will tommorow theres too much going on and maybe i just lost my charm. but i feel as if i had drifted slowly away out sea leaving nehind what i had. i moved on from past mistakes im moving on and i want ot be stronger and i will. will i better off now. i can provide with the little i have to others because i knwo sooner or later it will come around. i also neevr cared much for having a boyfreind to hold me and kiss me and lay with me. i never had a reason to care. now all i am is a lost satelite rotatng the around. i am nothing i am no where near as good for the boys they have their own grading system that i happened ot fail. i threw up in the toilet before i could think about it twice. my stomach asked for it. then it told me to stop wanting so much. i did. i did stop but now im doing it for myself. i want this change to happen now. starvation will help me reach the top it will help me be better but im asking for you to help me. mama. please. papa. help me. sister. im leaving for now. brother. goodbye.

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