Thursday, September 10, 2009

journal seven
cold so cold. breathes. short breathes. golden girls walk passing my body leaving behind scents of grace and love. sitting across a table alone he was staring at them but not me. i looked at his face without thought. i felt caught in my thought as i always did. my skin tingled when i felt something on my back. of course i always get secret messages to get told when to keep in line by the girls around me. i will never be as thin or as pretty as them, I'm going to be the bizarre girl you saw twelve years ago who wore bandages of tan on her knees all the time (well most of the time). i had big round deep brown eyes glossy black hair crooked smiles much laughter little to compete for. the ochre colored soil along with grass smooth as newly sanded walls. as warm as sun that hit my skin making me burn with sun cancer at all times i was a free child. i had a bit of a hippie compartment to myself. small things intrigued me little treasure trucks at the boutiques small cameras i had seen in department stores. now i have tired dull brown eyes damaged hair no smile small set backs i let take over my life as of today. i work and work for something but i know I'm talentless. i wish to be those golden girls from when i was four. nowadays when they want to say something to me about me they let me know with pieces of paper notes that fall onto my back like snow. all saying another thing about me. i was the one who was shoved into lockers left to count the minutes left in my own filth until i had warm tears coming down something wet down my legs. smelling of urine when i stepped out. i was only a mere ten year old girl. soon i was called a names. then we decided to move from my home my faith my memories stayed when i left i have nothing today. i met a boy in Sunday school. when he first saw me i had given up on appearance all i wore were baggy sweatshirts headbands long jeans only blue jeans. he asked me for my number. i ignored him tried not to smile i knew i would only get hurt he told me his name was Jason. he had red hair he had the same crooked smile i had he wore nothing different in particular like i did. i never told him my name a virgin girl mentioned my name was leslie he said i had a beautiful. i did not believe him every sunday he would be there never missing a day. he always tried to talk to me i always ignored him im guessing it only made him want to speak to me more. i decided maybe i could say something. instead i sat away from the group i was with. the same girls golden they were untouchable by girls like me. jason the same blue eyes boy walked over to me and opened a chair for me he acted like a jerk when he did so but i sat next to him none the less he seemed funny he still wanted my number but i never gave it to him then one day i wanted to talk to him again but i never did. he had a friend names damon who told me he had a present from jason. there was a card and flowers red ones i loved roses. i took them home and left them on my desk to rot while i left the note unopened. i cried for most of the night. i just wanted to fit in. now im getting lied to from boys who don't love me like. a couple days after i read the note tears came to my eyes once more. lies. cheats.stupidity all came to mind when opened i was kidding myself. i was not a golden girl i was touchable i could be reached and surpassed in many ways i only listened to the stories told by his writing. i told my friends how stupid he was but everyday he would take the same route to class to see me he would wink at me to make me blush he would whisper things to me from a seat away. then i read the note once more.
your one of the only girls i can look at who has eyes as beautiful as yours remind me of the oceans when i look into them its wonderful. your something i cannot get out of my head i want to be with you and i want to see you more and more i talked to your friends but i guess they don't want me to be with you. but i love you let me love you please give me a chance its all i ask of you.
your the reason i want to even go to school because i know i might see you there.
lies. all of it was bullshit. i let him talk me into it after the new season had come for winter i let him talk me into being with him. i still felt uncomfortable the way he touched me talked to me he had me wrapped in his arms but only in secret spots only we knew about no one else would know he promised me. we would kiss and fall onto the ground to look at the sky together i loved him. one night he and i laid next to eachother all i could think was maybe i was touchable again. i felt powerful i was golden. with him thats what he made me. i kissed him with fits of giggles in between he chased me half way down the park telling me to stop hiding from him i jumped on his back making him topple over i giggled my ruffle top came undone from behind i asked him to lace my bow back up. he did not touch it he sat there staring at my loose shirt. i asked him once more and he said he preferred me without the shirt. i let him talk me into that too. soon i was undressed but we only sat in the grassy fields while he touched my skin softly and gently i made my way closer to him he kissed me all over. i let him. we woke up on a saturday i was on a field with him next to me still it felt almost as if i were in heaven nothing could go wrong. he woke up he had tired eyes he pulled out one of his cigarettes let me take a drag or two. it felt wrong all of it but so good. he let me smile for the rest of the day he said he liked my crooked smile made him want to laugh at me. i loved to smile now. we had naked bodies near eachother that was better than i thought. no one had to know. we went to the coffee shop downtown we had breakfast there then he saw damon his friend i got up to leave but he held me back told me to sit my ass down i was not going anywhere this time he was tired of having to hide who he loved. damon obviously was drunk. started to talk to his buddy he figured soemhting was up between us he continued and jason told him to stop before he said soemthing screwed up. he re minded jason in a very loud whisper before he went onto a seizure of laughter that he actually was dating me he did not think he would go with the dare. my eyes wide-eyed as i formed tears into them calling him names as those did to me told him to go away. its been two and a half years since he and i talked. now he is in my german class after three years its been a while. we don't even look at eachother but i guess i anger him. he is always in a fight with someone in class and i just look the other way. damon looks at me most of the time i sit in my quietly as the same girl you saw three years ago before jason and damon. quiet dull stupid but one thing i had on my side. i was. or was i ever a golden girl

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