pigs rule the world

journal nine
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mmm no one ever thinks about the autumn the way i do. its a time to be with family friends. i laid on the cold grass leaves we had sat on our yard. the smells of cinnamon turkey bread dragged on as if it were a cigarettes smoke coming to become inhaled though the nose and sighed out the mouth. my golden hair spread its arms out to catch the moments along i had been wanting to. a red jacket crossed my mind. a red head long to the waist bone thin frame freckles on face doe eyed girl. who was she i wondered. i saw her imitate me from her sea of leaves colored orange yellow brown. that made sounds so loud it was heard around the world. she smiled waving her bone hands in my direction. she was beautiful. the day must end to begin anew so my mama said. i walked to my room and have not come out since. laying still on the flower crested comforters. my boots rested across my wall jacket hung black in color. my head hurt. the sink began its words of wisdom to me. drip.drop.drop.drop.drip. i was cold. freezer cold. the beds creeked softly. the winds pushed the house ina game of tag. i wrapped my hands against my thick body. pale. paler than normal. i think im sick. i figured. the silence dosent consume my every thought nor does death of grave yards thick with fog. for i found that my only friend had been silence all along i was scared to be alone for the fear of listening to my own self thoughts for the fear of thinking for someone else. for the fears of having been alone all my life. the tv bares its sounds as i sat in the basement. the wood stock is full. the shoe boxes of threads were full. the book shelf is full of nothing new. and i am full of nothing. i am a full glass i am the glass whos optimism has gone emptied. i am the one listening to pearls fall to the floor to the sink tell me stories of thinder storms it has been in. then the tears i had begin to flow. holding onto nothing was surely somehting or i would not be crying for the one thing i needed the most it was truly nothing.