Sunday, October 25, 2009

journal nineteen
it's cold this morning. he leaned in to give me a small kiss on the forehead. i don't know why the room got colder the bed felt un-welcoming his arms around me felt wrong his hot breathe on my neck was not the same as before it was frigid as if mere words could not say it already. he never loved me he used me over and over and over. the saddest part is i knew this and still kept coming back to him i cried on his bare shoulder's skin. it rained was raining i had mimicked the skies flow onto myself because it was what i needed to do. cleanse my body of him free my soul from him. he never loved me. he used me every fucking time. i never knew what it was like to truly fall in love with someone you knew never would love me back unless sex was involved. he kept touching pushing holding pressures build and i must break down. i won't let my heart down again. removing oneself is the first step. i gave up trying i needed to get up walk away go home. he would not let go. i tried to get him to let me go he slapped me asked me if i was being stupid he always loved me. i began to cry though the words i had let slip i told him i did not love him the room had car's light crossing a top our naked bodies against the wall the heat came from home which was not here. i had to leave this lonely place. the sheets that held us together were warm to the touch but cold to wrap oneself in. the scent left on them was unbearable. i pushed away harder this time. tried to be stronger this time. letting me go pushed onto the table i knocked over a lamp his radio our picture our trust is now gone. i clothed myself leaving through the back door i heard him come. i ran to the outskirts of his homes land even then i kept running through the high ways of the city. cars honked at me calling me names making fun. i had been so tired. i walked for three hours in cold with out a jacket. funny the place i found first was Bucharest the city i had found him in there was a corner we had first met i had spilled my coffee onto him he dripped so much in the store i apologized he said he never met a girl as adorable as me. i fell in love with him then and there we met everyday in the mornings. i frowned upon the thought but my heart was not frowning. i walked in to sit int he same old chair we used to sit. i touched the chairs smooth oaken brace the cushions were greener than i recall the place drenched in his scent. the same people walked by over over over the same frowns one hold when the weather is down. i had to leave this town he's been all over me this town this home of mine i have to leave. i had been so tired i wanted to sleep. looking around a box laid alone. sleep was meant well when a stranger had come back to pick at it. i slept near the trash cans covered in a sweater ripped jeans black ballet flats. i blew cold breathed airs onto the canvas sky. i never knew how it was like to be homeless. unloved for uncared for lonely without him i cried onto the black still bags. i begged to die. i cried myself to sleep. then a warm body laid next to mine i did not even bother to look back. i felt them wrap their arms around me push their head into my hair. he came back. he knew i was here how.why. i turned to look at his face he had tears streamed down those same blue eyes i fell in love with had tears streamed down cascading onto his lips as he spoke. i hushed him held him close as i could. you never know how to fall in love until you see one cry themselves into love. you never know what its like until you look at a boy who is oblivious to you until the day he remembered our place. our home was not there. it was here where we had first met. i felt loved. this place his scent this town watching us sleep still together. this is home. this is love. i'll love you as long as you remember. just don't forget...please

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