Saturday, October 10, 2009

journal fifteen
tomorrows mama 's birthday. she always seemed to be in a state of euphoria i loved mama just for that.
'mama what do you want for your birthday?'
'anything really i have all i really need now.'
'but i think you deserve more'
'i only want to see your happiness nothing more'

then this silence came into the room. it slowly creeps up cold and tense. the old wood room began to squeak. th window's tree began to tap against the sill. the moon shone onto the bed traveled up my mama's spine to show her face at the top.
'mama are your sad'
'no i'm not go to bed'
'no i want to know why your sad'
'please go to bed dear'

i tried to sleep while i let the wire fan wind hit my cheeks that stained of tears. i could not sleep mama was not well i could tell. she needed to be well or i won't be well. i heard cries from the downstairs kitchen we had. that came from the vintage era. i wanted to know what was wrong she and my papa were all i had these days. i sat upon the rugged stairs with my head peaking out through the handle bars.mama had tears running down her rosey cheeks and papa was holding her still. the cried together. then i began to cry too.
'i did not know i was going to live any longer. i thought i was going to die. Anna needs me more than anything. cancer of the skin could have killed me.' all she did was shake.
'sweetie its alright now let's just never tell her. shes too young and we should just be happy your going to stay with us longer. we both love you.'
'i feel guilty she would have never known.'

i ran in quickly into the kitchen. teddy ran behind me too. and i jumped up onto the chair and asked to be pulled up.
'mama i love you don't go please don't'
then we all cried into eachother. for quite some time we were happy. its all that mattered.

its been five years. now im lying next to her grave wearing the blackest charcoal jacket i had black tights black mary janes black lace dress gloved hands. a book laid next to me. i slept next to that grave for hours. i felt the same winds roll around me as to keep warm. the trees looked quit dull this year they were striped naked because the deers had come to eat. the skies looked gloomier this autumn. i talked to her like she was there i laid down the flowers. kissed her cold body tombstone. engraved was her name. then i sat quietly. the dusty gates creaked open people walked in to see their own dead. and all i said to her before leaving.
'i wish we could have gone together. i miss you mama. come home please.' i stood and wiped my tears away 'but papa he needs me. he needs you. i love you sweet dreams mama'
i pulled out a small photo. 'happy birthday mama'

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