Saturday, October 17, 2009

journal sixteen
i looked at the clock midnight fuck. i did not sleep once last night. i vomit though. i felt crawls upside in me it would not go away. then it went to my arms legs back to my stomach face. i began to scratch myself until i almost bled hit my head again the door drank cough medicine scratched some more hung upside down from the edges of my bed. i could not take this anymore. either i was going to kill myself or i will beat the shit out of my dog that was laying on the bed next to me. why i had no fucking idea. withdrawal is incredibly painful. i stood put on the royal blue winter jacket walked down the stairs slipped through the door letting it click behind me. i found myself smoking cigarettes down the road i don't give a shit anymore. i smoked at least two cigarettes until i got over to his house. the boy was a not-so-happy-emo boy his name was hyden. had blonde streak in his raven black hair some cut lines weak tiny boy then again i was a tiny girl. i called him he always answers the phone with 'what the fuck' because i always had to come late at night. he never complained once he came down and saw me. he leaned up against the doors frame. from between his lips came smoke a smirk lit up his face. i walked up to the door with the same look on my face. he threw his cigarette down.
'your back thought you said you were out'
'i changed my mind'
'mmm you got the crawls didn't you'
'possibly just shut up and come here'
we started to just make out against the door made tons of noise. i don't know how his parents did not hear us. we played a bit of games there in the end we ended up walking to his bedroom in the basement. we had sex all night i got a pretty good deal though he gave me what i wanted drugs. i was 'happy' none the less. the moans slipped my lips every once in a while hyden kept going i just had to keep up these days. we laid down together for a good long time. he had me all wrapped up in his arms the blankets kept us warm. he kissed my hair. then pushed my head up gently. kissing my lips instead. gentler than earlier. i moaned on accident. hyden pulled out his cigarette began to attempt to make rings curving his lips into the form the letter 'o' with smoke although he failed. i just took drags from his. i laid on his chest watching his movements. he noticed me watching. i blushed deep red. secretly i had a crush on him but i would never dare tell him he gives me drugs thats it i give him sex. nothing more. he blew into the air the last bit of smoke he had left. i kissed his chest. he pulled me up some more so i was face to face with him. he sucked on my neck roughly. then kissed my jaw line. pulled my face down to meet his kissed me. i felt shivers. he softly put me aside then he hugged me tighter. i felt in such good hands with him. he made sure i was warm. we fell asleep like this. that morning i woke up to notice he was not there. instead he was playing games on his couch. i walked over wearing his blanket. i was looking quite dull im sure but i was not feeling to well. he saw how red my cheeks were told me to sit next to him. he gave me a cigarette to join him. i refused. instead he gave me the drugs. we talked a bit. then he let me dress myself. he helped. sort of. it took longer than expected with two people. he never held my hand before. sometimes we learn to trust what we think others will find unexplainable. we learn to love those who sometimes are not the best but we love them none the less. his mother saw us but she did not say a word. i felt horrible. instead of going home he kissed my forehead on his porch and i began to cry. i was tired i was guilty i was dirty. and even though he made me feel this way i always came back for more. i loved him. i noticed the only reason i even started was because he had asked me to join him. now i wanted out but it was too late.autumn arrived lonely this year i felt sorry for it and cried over that thought as well. its a vicious circle. one day im not going to wake up. but it won't matter cause im going to keep going round round round and round this loop until until i let my brain do the talking it won't work out that way. im just waiting for the right moment. that won't come

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