pigs rule the world

journal twelve
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i never knew what it was like to love. how it felt to kiss someone. i never knew how i felt from the start. the autumn had come late this year. i did not mind though. as long as i was able to walk through the foggy morning of thanksgiving breaks from school the sleepless nights on the gravel in tents where the wind playful hand would scoop up the sides in a game of pushes and tugs when the trees lost their youth only to be left with old ages when the roads had jackets hats with gloves walking around the small town we had. i only enjoyed the autumn because it was the only time i really truly saw my mama and papa. i never seen them so happy full of life. yet im the one sitting in the room alone. cold. sad. maybe i had outgrown eating candy corn by he fireplace. yet when no one was around i would take the same old teddy bear with the same old songs playing in the background with the same old blanket and the same old bucket of candy corn only to reminisce about the young years. i never slept well since i was a child. i always spent the days reading books of nothing in particular. the books i would read usually were picture books of family albums. i always said 'im not the one whos going to get hurt' but those nights i was pained with many delicate sugar coated thoughts. i would always set up the pictures of my mama and papa around the fireplace then i would include me in the middle. take a picture with my Polaroids safely hide them in the box i hand underneath my bed. then i would remove myself and only leave them. take another. save it for later. it's been three years since i last saw them. three years since i talked to them both. i never really knew why i left to begin with. i just did. now the only one being hurt over and over and over again it is not me. it's not them. its 'I'. but mama papa one day those letters i hide everyday underneath the dead turtle shell your going to find. see what i wanted to say to you. see what we all did together on those nights by the fireplace while we all slept. farewell good night sweet dreams sleep tight don't let those midnight bugs bite.