journal fourteen

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i held myself while you were gone to keep me warm. i miss your kisses your small touches. come home come back here to where i am still waiting for you.

tonight

will

be

alright.

we fell asleep in each others dreams.

journal thireen
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im sorry. im going to let my tears run.
im forgiven. because i have given in.
im alone. only because i choose ot say so.
im left behind. all because i asked to not be picked up.
im dirty. but i know it won't change anymore.
im talented. because i practiced too hard to back out.

i won't be the last one standing. i know so.
i won't have the strength to keep going. so what.
i won't be able. i need you to be there.
i won't hold a heavy heart. there was no point.
i won't see you. only because i had lost faith in your reality.
i won't reach goals. ima failure people told me so.
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i will take your hand. i know your going to help me out.
i will forive others. mama taught me to do so.
i will trancend. papa told me i am the star of this show.
i will remind myself that you are now gone but i can make this.
i will remain clean. only becuase i know its what you taught me i should do.
i will love. you forever and always because you both taught me this so well.

i can do this. i only need short breathes before moving.
i can be free. whereever there is a light spirited wind to carry me.
i can hold onto nothing. because i know your going to think about it later and want it back.
i can grow older. i wont die for stupid reasons i can go on for you and only you.
i can see. the world or what it truly is an inspiring ground for one to roam open minded.
i can. i can do this because you have taught me well about this world i can make it through alone.
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but you you never let me go.

thank you

journal twelve
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i never knew what it was like to love. how it felt to kiss someone. i never knew how i felt from the start. the autumn had come late this year. i did not mind though. as long as i was able to walk through the foggy morning of thanksgiving breaks from school the sleepless nights on the gravel in tents where the wind playful hand would scoop up the sides in a game of pushes and tugs when the trees lost their youth only to be left with old ages when the roads had jackets hats with gloves walking around the small town we had. i only enjoyed the autumn because it was the only time i really truly saw my mama and papa. i never seen them so happy full of life. yet im the one sitting in the room alone. cold. sad. maybe i had outgrown eating candy corn by he fireplace. yet when no one was around i would take the same old teddy bear with the same old songs playing in the background with the same old blanket and the same old bucket of candy corn only to reminisce about the young years. i never slept well since i was a child. i always spent the days reading books of nothing in particular. the books i would read usually were picture books of family albums. i always said 'im not the one whos going to get hurt' but those nights i was pained with many delicate sugar coated thoughts. i would always set up the pictures of my mama and papa around the fireplace then i would include me in the middle. take a picture with my Polaroids safely hide them in the box i hand underneath my bed. then i would remove myself and only leave them. take another. save it for later. it's been three years since i last saw them. three years since i talked to them both. i never really knew why i left to begin with. i just did. now the only one being hurt over and over and over again it is not me. it's not them. its 'I'. but mama papa one day those letters i hide everyday underneath the dead turtle shell your going to find. see what i wanted to say to you. see what we all did together on those nights by the fireplace while we all slept. farewell good night sweet dreams sleep tight don't let those midnight bugs bite.

journal eleven
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i never reallya sked why the sky was blue. why the grass grew green. why my mama never really loved me. why my papa beat me. i just took it. i knew it was true the way things were. tonight was going to be alright for me. when sitting upon the wondow sill the clouds looked so peaceful. the sky reminded me of the daylight sunsets without the sun. the moon looked beautifully calm to me. kisses upon my cheek of rosey red color came from the wind who creeped along side the open curtains. that when touched had rough lace with soft colors of pink. wishing for things to be this way forever but forever is never going to happen. sometimes i wanted to question the possibilities of life but i saw no point it as i would only get it taken back into my throat's voice box. my nose turned rosey red. the leaves turned old crusty and colored them selves rust. the creeks of the house muttered and turned in its restless sleep.as i began to drift for the bed sheets. paper cranes hung delicately from the top of my ceiling each in the pure color of white. for every mistake i made that had altered my life i would change take one down and make another one in the color of black and in white letters i would inscribe what i had done wrong to never forget what i had done so wrong. then if i can fix it i would take the black one down and make a new one white again. only to remind myself i still have hope of something good inside me. this morning came too crisp too thin the fog had created a crease in the surrounding areas it's deeply cold shivers followed down the road. did i mention the cemetery next door. i don't think i did. but it not important its only that someone i knew a long time ago had died of leukemia. my mama's friend. she had been struggling with it for years. i never put mind to it but one day as i was sitting next to her i had began to walk around the room (so carelessly that one bird remains black for the rest of my life) the cord to her breathing supply had been near the floor. i guess i was fine to see what was to happen next. the cord had been near the foot of the bed i only stood to stare at her pale skin. the clocks ticking noise was bothersome. i hated analog clocks as much as i hated analog cameras. then as i backed away i had stepped on the cord unplugging it from the wall. thats when she gasped for air Like the fishes do when they are near death. she screamed in silence calling out to me to help her breathe again. and i walked out. she died that night after they had tried to help her keep breathing. its nights like these where the nights had never felt colder. the one black bird that i make to set upon her grave next door. i wrote the same message on each one. "death is a hollow goodbye. but the devil will remain to sleep by your side." with that i took the breathe so calm continued to walk down the path of gravel and rich red dirt. rosey red cheeks gloved hands jacket body wool hat. the leaves looked mighty fine this year. the same ones i saw the night before. then a smirk arose upon my lips. the small thought of sweet dreams. farewell. goodnight.

well just wanted to share with thos ehwo blog more even though i have like seven followers who already know of me and my photos else where

journal ten
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i guess. if i were to have died no one would care why would they even look twice for me. they won't. i sat perched on the roof top while i waited for the sun to come up drenched in blankets of azure color moments like these i would live for. fog drifted making not but a hush sound of noises so sweet. the cricket played their ending songs while winds clapped their bedtime symphony. hot chocolate dripped upon my lips. voices so sweet called upon me 'little girl little girl what is your name'. i stopped to think with the look of uncertainty i gave not but a small reply before the silence 'leslie....i guess' i looked down upon the cup with marshmellows sinking like those of ships at sea. nose dripping i wiped away its tears of the cold. cheeks tinted those of a rose so delicatly sweet. i lacked color in sight. with the wind there to keep me cold i let the blankets roll off. the sunset hit many things right. with a grand entrance of holiday cheers it rose up from down under with colors of yellow orange pink purple explosions of bombs going off in the far air. rush of blood to the head i had begun to feel small drips on the back of the ribbon like hair golden brown. tuffs of leaves covered me. sweaters of black color sleeves longer than i cold hold to. down the dreams i had fell. into the rabbits hole. masks covered the lights. my heart broke at their seems. then with a reply of 'little girl little girl your going to sleep heavy with very much sweet dreams' blood dripped from lips. lovely delicate laced bones tied together wrapped in leaves with veins showing in every which way. then a reply so small only her thoughts would here it 'i could have now died happily' a smile crept upon her face as the fog began the dispersments without monologue of words. howled. kicked. held the small dense thoughts together in the small scrapbook. bound by tree's limbs the old worn houses wooden logs. the dead birds bones scripted the words while the black cats purred to sit along next to her while she slept alone.

journal nine
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mmm no one ever thinks about the autumn the way i do. its a time to be with family friends. i laid on the cold grass leaves we had sat on our yard. the smells of cinnamon turkey bread dragged on as if it were a cigarettes smoke coming to become inhaled though the nose and sighed out the mouth. my golden hair spread its arms out to catch the moments along i had been wanting to. a red jacket crossed my mind. a red head long to the waist bone thin frame freckles on face doe eyed girl. who was she i wondered. i saw her imitate me from her sea of leaves colored orange yellow brown. that made sounds so loud it was heard around the world. she smiled waving her bone hands in my direction. she was beautiful. the day must end to begin anew so my mama said. i walked to my room and have not come out since. laying still on the flower crested comforters. my boots rested across my wall jacket hung black in color. my head hurt. the sink began its words of wisdom to me. drip.drop.drop.drop.drip. i was cold. freezer cold. the beds creeked softly. the winds pushed the house ina game of tag. i wrapped my hands against my thick body. pale. paler than normal. i think im sick. i figured. the silence dosent consume my every thought nor does death of grave yards thick with fog. for i found that my only friend had been silence all along i was scared to be alone for the fear of listening to my own self thoughts for the fear of thinking for someone else. for the fears of having been alone all my life. the tv bares its sounds as i sat in the basement. the wood stock is full. the shoe boxes of threads were full. the book shelf is full of nothing new. and i am full of nothing. i am a full glass i am the glass whos optimism has gone emptied. i am the one listening to pearls fall to the floor to the sink tell me stories of thinder storms it has been in. then the tears i had begin to flow. holding onto nothing was surely somehting or i would not be crying for the one thing i needed the most it was truly nothing.